Tuesday, September 1, 2009


well that was a longer pause than expected.

i took some time off (obviously) to think about life, and ana, and me, and all that fun stuff. and i nearly gave up. i think i gave up for a day or two. but i'm back now. and i have a goal date and everything. hopefully, by writing all this down, by telling all of you lovely people, i'll be forced to hold myself to these rules. it's harder to stick to them when it's just me in my head. sometimes the urge to binge screams louder than the urge to restrict. so here it is:
goal date: october 10, 2009
goal weight: 110 lbs
1. no refined carbs past 3 p.m.
2. no eating or liquids past 9 p.m.
(except water)
3. at least 1/2 hr on the elliptical. every. day.
4. 800 calories per day MAX. attempt 500 cals per day if possible.
so that's it. i've got 39 days. i must do this.

in my downtime away from this community, i started thinking about the different "types" of girls. you know, there are the sex bombs. the women who just ooze sensuality. they can wear the red lipstick every day and the black lace corset under their tight sheath dress and they just have it. think angelina jolie or scarlett johansson or christina hendricks. all curves, all sexpot, all the time.

then there are the beautiful girls. these are the women who are just freaking gorgeous in that almost immortal way. they float above us all on some ethereal plane, always glowing with that light of loveliness. doesn't matter what they wear, what their hairstyle is, what makeup they wear, they're just beautiful. these are a rare breed, it's harder to name current celebrities for this because it comes alone so rarely. you could name someone like heidi klum or giselle bundchen, but this beauty exists almost outside of time. like audrey hepburn or natalie wood. just beautiful, whether they mean to be or not.

and there are the nice girls. the ones who just look like they're the type of girl who would totally whip out a tide pen if you spilled ketchup on your jeans while you shared a basket of fries. she looks just like she'd make you laugh with some self-deprecating joke or like she'd show up at your door with a copy of "pretty in pink" and a pint of phish food ice cream when that asshole doesn't call for the millionth time and you can't take it any more. these girls look their best in jeans or shorts, a simple white t-shirt, and a smile. think jennifer garner, kate winslet, or keri russell. they're your partners in crime, with a dazzling smile to match.

and you know what, i think i'm the last one. all my life, i was the best friend, i was "the funny one" or i was just the sidekick to the beautiful one or the sexpot. and i think that's all i could ever really be. i never think of myself as sexy (even if the boyfriend swears up and down that he think i'm the sexiest girl ever). and i never think of myself as beautiful. i just think that i'm...me. average. i look too nice to ever be sexy. too average to ever be beautiful.

i know these are pretty narrow categories. and that there are of course plenty of other ones to think of. and i've thought of them but this was all i could write at this moment. if you can think of other types, please feel free to comment about them.

i think this is all i can handle right now. i was going to wait until i'd had a good day so i could feel proud when i came back, but maybe coming back on a day when i've done a bad job is the best because now i come back humble and needing help. crawling back to ana like i've always done.


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