Sunday, November 1, 2009

little girl lost

i've lost my self-control

i've ballooned to 116 pounds.

i've been in a binge binge binge purge cycle for so long, i don't feel worthy to even be on here.

everyone else has self control. everyone else is skinny. why can't i stop eating?

i'm not worthy of being in the community. i'm too massive. too doughy. too huge.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

both sides now

ever have one of those days where you just feel so down that all you want to do is lie in bed all day and not eat to punish yourself for being so crappy?

hello wednesday.

had a huge binge last night because i felt like such shit. my sister started playing nice and the second i went along with it (because i felt bad about the tension in the house and putting my mom in the middle of it) she went right back to the cold shoulder and not speaking to me. so i binged. and purged. and binged. i don't even want to think about how much i ate. took six maximum strength laxatives. yeah, can't take any of those for a while...

my scale is being wonky and adding or taking off two pounds every time i step on. can't even accurately assess the damage.

i don't want to go to the gym. i don't want to get out of bed. i want to just leave this house. i don't want to be here any more.

i hope everyone else is staying on track. i hope everyone else is feeling better about themselves today than i am. i hope everyone else can see how spectacular they are and how wonderful and beautiful they are. because all of you are. and i'm just not good enough.


EDIT: finally got the scale to calm down. 110. god bless laxatives. it scares me how much better i feel now that i know my weight for the day and can plan accordingly. sigh, i'm sorry about the crappy posts, guys. my hormones make my emotions (and my ED) get the best of me. i promise, once this bitch is gone and i can get control over my craziness, i'll be better :P

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

the bird and the worm

sorry again about my sadsack ruby post last night. i'll try not to let my shitty hormones take over like that again.

so was very good last night, didn't binge (as much as i might have wanted) and stayed around 500 cals. haven't seen any change on the scale as a result of my awesomeness, but i'm beginning to suspect a little monthly visitor may be responsible for my weight gain and shitty attitude these days. which makes me kind of want to cut myself some slack and wait until my period is over to get back on track, but would that just be prolonging a bad habit? sigh. we'll see. i'll try to stick on track but if i falter, i feel i have a legit excuse.

gym and part of a workout dvd so far. don't really know what to do with myself today. i'd love to go get my nails done but i always feel bad treating myself to stuff, like i don't deserve it at all.

god i hope i can get out of dinner again tonight. i'm making a chicken dish, which i know i'll be excused from (last night it was a pasta dish that my mom said i could have since i would just eat around the meat) so i can have something else. but again, i know i'm being scrutinized, so i feel a little scared that i won't be allowed to have soup or whatever.

i think maybe i'd be a little more ok with their concern if i thought i looked different, if i thought i looked "thin". but honestly, i don't see any difference between me now and me 20 pounds ago. i mean, i guess i can see my ribs a little more but it's not like they're really sticking out and my stomach is still round and my thighs are still thunderous. i'm nothing like the beautiful thinspiration girls i post, so i just feel upset that people are trying to stop me before i can get to that level of control.

sigh i can't wait to live on my own again.

hope everyone else is staying on track and kicking ass! chins up, weights down, beautifuls!


Monday, October 19, 2009


sigh. i really don't know what to do.

my sister's shitty behavior has kind of made my mom look twice at my diet. she keeps talking about how i don't eat enough, asking me if i've taken any vitamins, and commenting on how thin i look. it's made me so mad. i get that my sister is concerned about me, or at least that's what she's claiming, but in what universe does giving someone the cold shoulder or the silent treatment express concern over their well-being?

now it all feels so strange. i've gained weight, or so the scale says, so why are they NOW saying how thin i look? and what should i do about eating? do i try to eat more to throw them off? but i'm trying to get back on track. this whole thing has my stomach so twisted that i'm not even all that hungry. i mean, sure, i could eat, but i don't feel that intense need and i feel more like crying than binging.

i feel so terrible that the mood in the house is so tense right now. it's blatantly obvious that something's not right and i feel bad that my mom is kind of in the middle. now my sister is starting to try to act like nothing's wrong and talk to me again. but i'm not playing along so she's playing the victim once more. it's a sick cycle. she acts like she's all offended by something i've said or done or not said or not done then gives me the silent treatment. i give it right back to her. she decides to talk to me again. i don't go along with it. she acts all offended. over and over.

believe me, i'd love an excuse to eat, but should i? it sucks that of course this happens when i'm PMSing and all weepy and moody already over nothing at all. my timing is horrible. all i want to do is curl up in my super comfy sweats and a tank top in bed, listen to damien rice, and eat warm chocolate chip cookies with a cold glass of milk. or just mug after mug of delicious hot chocolate. and sleep. and just slip away from all of this drama.

i'm sorry about the rant post. i promise i'll be upbeat tomorrow. tonight and the past few days have just been...odd. and it's taking its toll on me.


p.s. can you tell i like to change up the appearance of my blog when i'm dissatisfied with my own appearance? hahaha

cave in

oh weight, you so crazy.

hopped on the scale this morning after another binge last night. last one though, since all the bagels are gone. have i said this before? hells yes. do i mean it this time? about as much as i have all the other times. but my willpower always seems to falter. hopefully, since i've got CA on my side, we'll both be back on track starting today. anyway, got on this morning and found i'd lost a pound. whaaaaaaa?

i mean, i'll take it. i'm still not back to where i should be, obviously, but hey, that's awesome and i won't complain.

so i had a weird day yesterday. sister dear isn't speaking to me. in fact, she's been a flat-out cold bitch. i couldn't understand it. we hadn't really talked much lately and it's not like something happened that could have set her off. i said something to my mom about it. apparently her reason why is that she thinks i've gotten too thin. everyone in the fam knows about my struggles with food but my mom has basically employed a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and she told sister dear essentially to butt out because it's not her business, that' i'm old enough to handle things, and that she doesn't really know what she's talking about. so sister dear has been super childish. won't make eye contact, won't speak to me, so on. we went out to dinner last night and she was about to sit down when she saw she'd be sitting next to me and she moved across the table. uhhhh what?

it was also weird because my mom kept telling me how "lithe" and "defined" i looked. she also said something about my amazing self-control. um, clearly she's never seen me annihilate a frozen pizza (like i did last night...). but still, it was kind of nice? albeit a little strange.

so dinner was also weird for another reason. i went to the restroom and when i came out there was a guy waiting for me. he had been sitting across from me and i'd seen him looking at me a few times but i didn't think much of it because he looked kind of familiar. anyway, he says to me "i know you don't know me, but i'm sitting at the table across from you and i'd like to buy you a cup of coffee sometime." well i was completely flabbergasted. i had no clue what to say. i mean, why was he asking me out? i'm a nobody. i don't get attention like this. i stammered a bit and politely declined, looking down at my feet a lot. he was wearing chucks and i told him i liked them (this is how my brain works. i'm completely flustered but i still manage to comment on how cool chucks are...). but it was so weird! seriously, i'm not the kind of girl that this happens to. i'm always the friend of the girl this happens to. but it was flattering. even if, when i told my mom about it, she tried to convince me it wouldn't have been cheating for me to go out with him since the boyfriend is five hours away. oh mom...

anyway, trying to be good and stay on track today. the icy temperature in the house courtesy of my oh so mature sister is making me think i'll be out on my own for the day. she actually decided to talk to me this morning. to let me know her library books were due tomorrow and to tell me to return them. real nice.

stay strong, lovelies! and if anyone else is looking to get back on track, let me know! maybe CA or i can do something to help!


Sunday, October 18, 2009

i suck

huge. massive. epic. ginormous. FAIL.

i binged last night. ate two bagels that my dad brought back from nyc. some cereal. some peanut butter. a bit of chocolate.

and i've gained three pounds overnight from it.


fuck i'm such a fatass.

ok, wait, now what would i say if anyone else was in my place? calm down? it's just one day? you can always lose the weight? freaking out won't make the pounds melt away any faster, just be clam, cut yourself some slack and get ready to start over? sigh, i always mean it when i say it to someone else, but when i tell myself all i want to do is scream back "no, you don't understand, i'm a fucking beached whale!" my friends always say i'm so lenient on everyone but myself. i guess that's because i know i can talk down to myself and i'll take it...

well, hopefully hot yoga will have done something. well, hot yoga and the maximum strength laxatives. and the coffee. and the water.

maybe i'll skip dinner tonight too. feign a headache and stay in my room to study. if i can just get past the 4:00-5:00 p.m. hunger pangs i'm never very hungry for dinner.

ugh and my parents are fighting already. and sister dear is in a shit mood. then again, so am i. i'm so mad at myself. so disappointed in my apparent lack of willpower. no wonder i'll never be thin like all those gorgeous girls in class this morning. i'll just always be the girl with rolls and rolls of fat. like a shar-pei, only less drool (usually).


Saturday, October 17, 2009


randomly lost half a pound when i got on the scale today. i don't know how this occurred but as my Grammy always used to say: Don't look a gift loss in the scale.* so i'll take it.

was supposed to meet up with an old friend from high school, G. i had a huge falling out with my friends from high school a few years back. i won't go into details, but they said some really fucked up stuff. i won't pretend i was blameless in the whole deal (let's face it, we've all said and done stupid stuff in high school) but a lot of what they said was completely uncalled for. and though G claimed to be neutral and non-judgmental about the whole affair, his allegiance was very quickly realized and it wasn't with me. but randomly he called me a few months back to say he was sorry about how things had gone down, that he was really unfair to me, and that he wanted to be friends again. we met up for coffee and it was nice (maybe a little awkward, but that's expected). anyway, he went back to school (he's a 5th year architecture student) and i stayed here. he's back in town now and i wanted to look nice because, well, i know that group and anything that goes down he will probably report back to all the girls that turned on me. so i went to target and got these super cute skinny gray jeans. i bought them in a 3 even though i usually wore a 5 or a 7. i was beating myself up the whole way home thinking that it's going to be so depressing when they won't button and who am i kidding thinking i could wear a 3.

but they fit.

sure they're a little snug and i'm not crazy about how low the rise is, but they're supposed to be tight and even if not, they'll be a great inspiration for me to lose these last few pounds.

anyway, like i said, i was supposed to get coffee with G. unfortunately, my dad's plane got delayed and traffic/construction was a nightmare on the way to the airport so i had to reschedule. instead, i got to have a conversation with my father that did not go great.

dad: my god you're skinny.
me: um, thanks?
dad: how much weight have you lost?
me: i dunno.
dad: you don't know? i know you have a scale. you stole mine.
me: yeah but i haven't really weighed myself in a while...

yeah i'm sure that's not suspicious at all. then after that little exchange which already had me on edge, my dad decided to interrogate me about my career choices and what the hell i'm doing with my life. basically, nothing is ever good enough for my dad. the only time he ever seemed to approve of my career path was when i decided to be a lawyer, and that's only because he was one for a while. after interning at a law firm, however, i decided it wasn't the right option for me. daddy dearest hasn't quite let that idea go though. i told him i wanted to go to grad school, get my master's in english, and become a teacher. he suggested i become a paralegal (no thanks) or get my MBA (um, i have NO aptitude for business or math. basically, i'm only really good at calculating discounts on clothes and counting my calories...). but recently i've been thinking more and more about studying psychology for grad school and getting my master's and my PhD. i told my dad this was my new plan. he suggested becoming a teacher. or a paralegal. sigh. whatever. i can't listen to him or let him control me. it's just annoying that he never supports me, just always tells me i'm doing the wrong thing.

sorry, that was a long rant. right, back to topic.

going to try to keep my calorie count low again. should be easy since i don't want to be in the same house as my dad so i'll be staying out and away from the kitchen today. didn't eat breakfast until around 12:30 because i was a bad girl and had a glass of milk around 12:30 a.m. and gwynnie paltrow says you shouldn't eat twelve hours before you have your first meal of the day. so i had to wait and wait and wait to get to eat my KIND bar, which was kind of a nice exercise in control.

going to try to get some more GRE studying done. hope everyone is having a splendid day! or at least that theirs is better than mine so far haha!


*my Grammy never actually said anything like this. the only advice she would give me is "not to be so short" and "to get a boyfriend." then she'd make me scrambled eggs and offer me prune juice or malted milk. ah Grammy...

Friday, October 16, 2009


another failed night at control. maybe i'm just super weak but i swear, it's like i can't make myself get back on track without a goal. halloween was suggested as an option, but to be totally honest, i'm likely to be going as "the girl who stays home to study and gives out the candy" so it's not like i've got a really skimpy costume to wear. plus, the fact that i've been so not good and have still managed to somehow stay around 110 has been a little gratifying. i know, a slip-up could mean a weight gain again so i should really get in control. so today it is, mainly because i'm disgusted with myself for continually letting you guys down. so tonight i'm going to stay in control. i don't want to have to start another blog entry with how i've failed again.

sister dear's temp job ended yesterday so she's back to being at home 24/7. i was so upset and stressed about this that i couldn't even sleep the other night. i loved knowing that she would be gone until 5 every day and now she's here. all. the. time. and so are her mood swings. ugh i'm expecting my stress level to be through the roof by, oh, tuesday.

so far so good today. gym and workout dvd. going shopping with my mom later to find a halloween costume for my nephew! i think he wants to be cookie monster, but he's only two so i'm not entirely sure he understands the concept of dressing up for halloween period. i'm pretty excited about it though!

got some coffee mix to make my own vanilla latte at home. 70 cals per serving, which is 50 less than my much-loved tall soy latte from starbucks. i hope it's good so that's at least one way i can conserve calories. the plan for today is 550 cals or less. it's leftover night tonight so i'm hoping i can get away with just a salad since we won't all be sitting down to dinner together. yaaaaay!

it's cold and dark and rainy here. the kind of day that makes me just want to curl up under a blanket in my sweats. sigh if only i could let myself be that lazy.

i bought these two candles and it's a little sad how happy they make me. one is pumpkin scented, the other is apple. so my room smells like autumn! and, i won't lie, the pumpkin one makes me a little hungry for the iced pumpkin cookies i made the other day, but luckily i gave a bunch of them to my oldest sister and her fam. i like it when self-preservation and kindness work together haha

well i hope everyone is having a wonderful day! stay strong, gorgeouses!


Thursday, October 15, 2009

the bucket

ugh. binged and purged last night. then binged again and didn't purge. took a bunch of laxatives. couldn't fall asleep until 5:30 a.m. was awoken at 8 a.m.

my weight has really gone up. i was 112.5 when i stepped on the scale this morning. maybe i could take 1 lb off MAX for clothes but even after all the laxatives. why does it take such a big gain to finally get me to put down the fork?

i've had like NO control for the past nearly week and now it's really starting to show. i've got to get back on track. but it's so much harder when i don't have a goal for myself. anyone have any ideas? maybe lose the weight before i get 50 followers? but that's not very concrete. also, it's a bit mind-blowing. 50? sweet baby jeebus, i'm going to have to start trying to make these posts coherent haha.

i start training for work on the 21st, which is great since it'll get me out of the house and be one more way i can slip under the eating radar, i hope.

okay. 112.5. which means i need to lose 4.5 pounds. possibly more. after reading the comments from yesterday maybe i could get down to 106 and maintain? i just wonder how hard my body would fight me on that one, since it likes to hover around the range i'm in right now.

wouldn't it be amazing if money actually DID grow on trees? it would make my life sooooo much easier. new goals for life: 1) find money tree 2) find pill that makes all yummy food calorie-free 3) find way to go back in time so i can make out with hugh jackman BEFORE he got married, ergo i'm not a slutty homewrecker. ask if i can call him wolverine. 4)buy new chucks.

well, i guess since i'm up i should go to the gym. kick my own ass. you know, try to make up for my sheer and utter lack of willpower yesterday. at least i got some new music and a magazine, which is really helpful for when i just can't get my motivation up.

hope everyone else is having a splendid and on-track day!


p.s. like the new layout?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

pistol of fire


i binged last night. i was doing so well for the day and then i just lost it. i find it so much harder to stay on track when i don't have a clear goal in mind. usually it's a visit from my boyfriend that gives me the strength to keep away from those oh so yummy treats but when i don't know when i'm going to see him next, it's easier for me to just slip between the cracks. even right now i'm so hungry and i want nothing more than to go have something i know i shouldn't. i've been starving all day, i don't know why. i'm not PMSing, which is my usual culprit. maybe it's because i actually kicked my own ass with a workout after being lazy for so long. i didn't work out once while i was away, even though i had all my workout gear and everything. so today i did thirty minutes on the elliptical and a twenty minute jillian michaels workout (which had me dripping with sweat--that woman is insane. good, but insane). and i've managed to keep my intake somewhat good, but i'm at like 350-400 already and it's only 3 p.m. i've still got dinner to get through. i don't know what's going on with me, but this is annoying.

so i've decided that i think my weight goal is going to be 108 and maintaining it. i think it's the thinnest i can be without people getting suspicious. i was getting dressed this morning and i realized that a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore. i thought this would elate me, but instead it made me a little sad that i couldn't wear my favorite skirt or my favorite pants anymore. i mean, i could, but they fit really awkwardly. it was a little depressing, i won't lie. but i guess that's a really stupid thing to complain about. i'll just have to get some new cute clothes in my new size...

okay, so i'm barricading myself in my room until i can get over this craving for cereal. sigh.

scale said 110 this morning. even after a binge and purge last night. i'm shocked.

so two pounds to go. i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this i can do this 


p.s. no that was definitely not me in the picture yesterday. however, that IS me in the picture above before i left for st louis so around 106 pounds. honest comments (good or bad--though constructive is always better than just harshness) would be much appreciated

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

four kicks

hello gorgeouses!

i'm back after a lovely long weekend with the boy. it was really really nice, and the best part? he kept telling me how skinny i was and how much weight i looked like i'd lost. was it a compliment? was it concern? i don't know, but i was pleased to know that my efforts were visible.

i've been feeling kind of odd lately. paranoid is the only term that i guess i could use. i'm going to say this, but please don't think that i'm being conceited because this is kind of freaking me out more than flattering me, but i feel like people are looking at me a lot. i'm not saying "oh woe is me, i'm getting checked out constantly." i just mean, like when my boyfriend and i were at the mall, i felt like people were looking at me a lot. maybe they were wondering why someone as handsome as my boyfriend was dating someone like me. maybe they were horrified by my fatness. maybe i had a rogue booger hanging out that no one informed me of. i don't know, but it's been happening a lot lately. it's not like people look at me and smile they just...look. and i'm not sure how to respond so i just kind of blank-stare back. it's very odd.

so i've gained a bit of weight. shock. but even after the bad binges and the eating carbs past 3 and all that nonsense, i'm still at 110.5 so i'm not too angry with myself. believe me, i was expecting to be like 116 when i got home. took a bunch of laxatives last night so i feel like today has been a clean start (oh god, awful pun). gone to the gym. sister dear has the day off so she's hanging around the house which means i might have to eat. only, i left her alone for the weekend, and she like didn't do jack shit. there was a two-page long grocery list waiting for me and the house is a wreck. she didn't do anything. and of course, my mom comes home today which means i have to do EVERYTHING. thanks a lot sis. cheers.

okay, going to be good today. have only had a KIND bar so far. super yummy. but since there's like nothing in the house to eat, i can't be too terribly tempted to binge. yaaaay! i'll have to go out and remedy the bare cupboard sitch soon but right now it's kind of nice.

i'm slowly catching up on everyone's blogs. to those of you who've done well: CONGRATS! i knew you would kick ass! and to those of you struggling: we've ALL been there and you can totally pick yourself up and start over and be the gorgeous wonderful girl that we all know you are. you have the strength to do this and you WILL!


Friday, October 9, 2009

taper jean girl

well this is it. final day. i'm off to st louis so i probably won't be able to read or update until i get back next week. but i hope everyone knows by now that i think they're spectacular and strong and wonderful and gorgeous!

weighed myself today after a KIND bar, coffee, and Hot Yoga. Final weight?


i couldn't believe it. i weighed myself three times on two different scales. my mom's, which is considered to be the "accurate" one said 105

and of course, in typical ruby fashion i'm thinking "maybe i could get to 103..."

well, for now i'm just going to be pleased that i made it to here, try to be good while i'm in st louis, but allow myself a little slack because, well, it's the boyfriend's birthday and i'd be pretty selfish if all i was thinking about was what i wanted.

on the upside, he's working until close tonight which means i'm on my own for dinner. yaaaaay!

well darlings, in my usual way, i've left everything to the last minute so i've got a LOT to do before i get on the road! hope everyone has a spectacular weekend!

and if i CAN sneak on here, you know i'll be reading all of your fantastic blogs and commenting away hahaha


Thursday, October 8, 2009

velvet snow

well this is it. the final stretch. i leave tomorrow for st. louis and i'm pretty freaking nervous.

scale said 108.5 this morning after i worked out and ate breakfast. so maybe i'm closer to 108 after all? a lot of my clothes are hanging on me, which feels amazing, albeit a little disconcerting. i'm scared i'll binge tonight, just to sabotage myself.

it's been a surprisingly busy day, which was nice. managed to avoid eating for a good chunk of the day, though i did let myself have an iced tall soy latte (only 90 cals!) because i met up with C and her dick of a fiance at the mall and i knew i'd need caffeine if i was going to deal with his sexist and annoying self.

sister dear isn't feeling well so i may have inadvertently gotten out of sushi. while this definitely isn't how i wanted to get out of it, i can't help but be slightly relieved. i never want her to feel ill, but i really REALLY didn't want to have to eat sushi. especially since i'm kind of high in my intake already today. hopefully the half hour on the elliptical (and the laxatives i took) will help me out for tomorrow.

hope everyone else is having a fantastic day!


Wednesday, October 7, 2009


my treacherous body.

i deprive it. i refuse to give it unhealthy things it craves. i give it little, but enough. then i indulge. i give it everything it wants. but then, like a wrathful god, i take it all away again, in a forceful and violent manner.

and yet today, even when i'm so happy and excited to have reached a weight goal, or at least to be so close to one, i find myself craving again. do i think i deserve it? do i think that now is the time when i can have these things? it's not.

i can't get sloppy. i can't allow myself anything i want. i have so little time. two days. forty-eight hours. and i have to do this right.

so why is it that i want nothing more than to do it all wrong? i indulged once already today. a tall soy latte. 120 calories. putting me at 380 for the day so far. dinner is coming when my sister arrives home. she wants to do sushi one night while my mom is gone. i'll have to beg off, claiming financial strains make such extravagances out of the question. she'll offer to pay. i'll try to keep saying no. if she becomes suspicious, i'll have to eat it. carbs past four. again. bad bad bad ruby.

i didn't even work out today. my legs were so sore and i slept so little last night (huge fights with the boyfriend will do that) that i just couldn't get the energy up to put on the same clothes, listen to the same songs, on the same machines, running towards the same goal.

it could be so easy. just something yummy to have while studying. cinnamon toast crunch and a tall glass of milk? tablespoon after tablespoon of peanut butter? my two greatest weaknesses. sitting in the pantry downstairs, waiting for me to fail.

why is my body fighting this? because it knows it's not supposed to be this weight? because it's unnatural? fuck. does this mean i'm naturally supposed to be fat? that i'm genetically destined to despise myself? who am i really fighting...

my hunger or myself?



after getting sick yesterday and then subsequently lying in bed for a few hours, i got up and made dinner.

then i binged.

and i purged.

and i binged.

and i purged.

i feel like i'm my own saboteur. the moment i start getting close to me goal weight i do something stupid like this. it's like i'm scared to reach it. maybe i am. maybe i'm scared that i'll get there and then i still won't like how i look, i'll still be huge, and i'll never ever be beautiful. or maybe i'm scared that once i get there, i won't have anything else to work for. let's face it, this isn't something that is a part-time deal for me. i spend the majority of my day thinking about food (what i can have, what i can't have, number of calories, when can i eat, why i can't eat, etc...) and looks (god my arms jiggle, will this tummy ever go away?, is it raining out? oh no that's just the sound of my thunder thighs...). if i get to 108 and i look the same, what will i do? keep going? could i?

well it looks like we might find out soon. somehow, the scale today says 109.5

and i have no intention of fucking up again :-)


Tuesday, October 6, 2009


um. just got really sick and threw up. i didn't want to but i saw myself in the mirror and i looked so pale. so i made myself purge.

all i'd had was a few slices of cucumber. what the eff?

still feel like crap. want to eat some saltines. please god don't let me be sick.

ugggggh i feel like death warmed over. i feel awful.


hello darlings!

i'm sorry i've been such a slacker about reading blogs and commenting. usually it's like one of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world, but, as you probably guessed from some of the preceding posts, i've been feeling a little depressed lately. but, i'm feeling better today, and NOT just because i'm now at 110.5 OR because a size 2 at Target is too big for me and now i have to buy xs in some things. no, it's because i'm going to have the house to myself for a few days.

my mom is going to visit my aunt and while i will miss her terribly (my mom is seriously like my best friend--i love her to death), it will be nice to have the house all to myself during the day (at least until sister dear comes home).

update on sister dear: she's gained weight. like at least ten pounds. it's not her fault, she eats right, she exercises, she indulges in moderation. she's just on this new med that makes her gain a lot of weight. and she is NOT dealing with it well. not that i would be any better, god knows i'd probably have a nervous breakdown if i shot up to my highest weight without doing anything. if i'm going to be fat, i would hope i'd at least get to eat some yummy foods to go with it! anyway, she doesn't look bad. honestly she doesn't look like she's gained much at all. but she's so angry about it and guess who she's taking it out on...that's right, the girl who doesn't really eat. i'm not sure what to do. i feel like i should let her because i deserve it since i'm not the one with the problem. she's angry at herself and her weight and i represent someone who has (some) control over her weight, so she should just yell at me and call me a bitch. fucked up, i know, but when are relationships between sisters ever NOT in some way?

anyway, i'm driving my mom o to the airport soon and then i'm going to the gym and then maybe, since i'll have the house all to myself :-) i'll do a 40 minute video instead of my usual 20? it's going to be so relaxing, you guys. i can't even tell you how excited i am.

hope everyone is having a FANTASTIC day so far and that it only gets better and better!


p.s. i promise, comments will be coming soon!
p.p.s. seriously, have i told all of you how fantastic you are? you never fail to make me feel better and all of you have such fascinating, sometimes hilarious, sometimes beautiful, but always relate-able blogs and i don't know how i could do anything without you

Sunday, October 4, 2009


well i did a great job staying on track yesterday. i even managed to avoid the cake at my nephew's birthday party.

but then somehow, i wound up having a minor binge last night. i don't know why. i didn't even purge. but i had one and i swear, i woke up so many times last night having a panic attack over what i had done.

so i woke up today, took some anti-anxiety meds, some diet pills, and went to hot yoga. now i'm back and feeling a little calmer and a little more in control. i've got a weird feeling about today. do you ever get just senses like that? it's not like "oh today's gonna be a bad day" or "today's going to be great!" it's not specific, just a nebulous feeling about today in general. i don't know how it will play out. ah well

so i went to target yesterday and got a super cute faux-leather black miniskirt in a size 2...and it's kinda big on me!! i might have to go back and see if they have a size 0.... AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

well, i hope everyone else (including myself) can stay on track today. we've all got some really great goals and i know how happy everyone gets when one is reached and with how spectacular you all are, there's nothing i want more than for you to be happy!


Friday, October 2, 2009

slow night, so long

had my binge night. purged almost all of it up.

ugh there's definitely a reason i shouldn't do days off

don't get me wrong, it was good and i'm kind of glad i got it out of my system because i found something weird:

the food wasn't all that great

i think i'd built up the memory of the food in my head because when i ate it, it wasn't that great.

so the binge wasn't quite as bad as it could have been because i didn't really feel it

so back on track tomorrow. laxatives? i think so.

hope everyone else had an "on track" day!



okay so i was miss debbie downer yesterday

but when i weighed myself this morning, the scale said 111

and suddenly i feel a little better. i've still got a week until st. louis so maybe, just maybe, i could whittle my way down to 108!

i couldn't keep doing this without everyone's support to help me resist the evil evil carbs and sweets

i thought about giving myself a day off, something, as was suggested, to break the tension. but now it's like i'm scared to eat. nothing seems worth breaking the routine i've got going now. don't get me wrong, everything would taste delicious and i'm sure once i got started i'd be fine

but i feel like i'm scared to start.

it's weird and it worries me a little, but hell, i'll take it!

been to the gym already. contemplating a dvd. now is not the time to slack, i know, but i wonder if, since i won't be letting myself have a treat and we're doing leftovers for dinner tonight (which usually means i can eat something small by myself) if i should let myself have a day without dear jillian michaels. maybe i'll start it and if i really just am too tired, i'll stop the dvd and do some yoga later.

right now though my pupils are dilated from going to the doctor's office, which made running at the gym a little awkward since the elliptical faced the windows. owwwie! so maybe i'll just lie down for a little bit...

hope everyone is having a wonderful day!


Thursday, October 1, 2009

knocked up

i would love a day off please. thank you.

when do i get a day off? is it when i get to 110? or 108? when do i let myself have a treat? a REAL treat. maybe just a binge and purge. just one. i don't even know if i get one.

the scale for some reason is being very nice. it says that i've lost weight and i'm somehow magically at 111.5

however, i don't trust it. scales can be wonky. i won't believe it until it's stayed around there for three days.

crazy? yes. paranoid? of course. expected? oh yeah.

so i'd really love a day off this super restrict. things are so beyond stressful around here. between my dad being home and my sister being...well, my sister, i feel like i'm constantly on high alert. i hate it so so much. i can't even smoke as a way of blowing off some steam. all i want is to eat some oreos and a glass of milk. or some cinnamon toast crunch. but then i know i'll binge and i'll purge and i'll cry and just want to take it all back. i've already had like three tablespoons of jam which is like 150 calories. i guess that's my "binge" for the day. i already want to throw it up.

so i continue forward, too depressed to even be proud of  myself for somehow getting to 111.5

i thought i'd finally be able to post a super exuberant note on here once i got away from 114 or 113. i'm really sorry i'm such a downer, you guys. you're all so very sweet to me and so positive and encouraging. i hope i can at least be the same for you!

thank you again!


Wednesday, September 30, 2009



that rogue pound from this morning seems to have disappeared of its own volition. i must admit, it scared the shit out of me. see, my mom recently got diagnosed with an eye condition that means she's going to start slowly losing her vision over the next few years. she won't be going blind per se, she's just going to have a big blurred spot in her central vision. and while age and genetics determine whether or not you'll get it foremost, smoking is the most modifiable risk. my mom smokes occasionally, not much, it's just her little vice since she doesn't drink or really do anything else "scandalous" or whatever. i smoke about a pack a week maybe. well, since she's gotten this diagnosis, i offered to quit smoking with her in an attempt to encourage her to quit. i've gone two days without cigarettes and as soon as i saw that pound my first thought was "shit you gain weight when you quit smoking." i looked it up on the web and everything seemed to indicate that yes, your metabolism slows a bit but most people tend to replace cigarettes with food, leading to weight gain. and since i can't do something like that, i'm PRAYING that i won't wind up gaining.

but if i do, i won't lie, i might just go back to it until the bf's birthday and then quit again when i don't have a goal right around the corner.

so did the usual routine today. elliptical and then dvd. it was day three of level one so tomorrow i do level two. and i've got to tell you, level one was kicking my ass so i'm quite a bit scared of level two.

was pretty hungry for some reason today. managed to keep my snacking in check. did indulge in a tablespoon of jam after dinner though. i know i shouldn't have but my dad is stressing me out and i've been pretty depressed all day so i figured 50 calories of jam is better than a huuuuuuuuuuuge binge like i would really enjoy right now.

currently i'm hiding out in my room (since i've found i can't really watch tv at night because the commercials make me so so hungry) and watching this documentary on valentino. the models are pretty damn thinspiring, i'll say that.

so i've been reading all these blogs, and so many of you girls are doing so so great! i'm in AWE of everyone's self-control. it's kind of making me feel like a fat slob, i won't lie, but i'm trying! and for those of you who, like me, are struggling right now, we can totally do this!

nine more days...


black thumbnail

how the FUCK have i gained weight?

where has this pound come from and WHY is it here?

shit i really don't want to binge today but i am thisclose to just saying "fuck it all" and eating my way through the pantry until my stomach hurts.

except now i've been restricting so zealously that i'm actually scared of food.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009


what is it about night time that seems to magnify my urges to eat? is it that most dark and dirty deeds are done under the cover of the night? is it that i know i'm doing something wrong every time i sneak down stairs and stare at that bag of oreos so i feel that i should be as underhanded about it as possible? is it the awareness that after dinner, i'm done for the night and that the hours must now stretch in front of me with the awareness that i have no more options to look forward to? that now i must begin my fast until at least 12 hours later (if not more)?

it's comforting to at least know that i'm not the only one who feels a gravitational pull towards the kitchen when the sun goes down. maybe i'm like some sick vampire, drawn to the life's blood of carbs and treats instead of humans.

...or maybe i should stop watching true blood repeats...

i wish people would stop leaving the pantry door open. it's true, out of sight out mind. and the more i can see all those yummy yummy treats, the more i want them, even if i'm not all that starving right now. studies have shown that the more food put in a person, the more they will eat, even if they're not all that hungry. the first time i ever went out to eat with my boyfriend, when i was full i put a napkin over my food so i wouldn't keep picking at it. i'll never forget the look on his face as he said " die?" and then offered to perform a eulogy for my fallen french fries.

anyway, decent day. i got up and went to the gym and did another dvd. those diet pills (relacor, by the way) are doing a pretty great job, i'd say. i'm still not getting as constantly hungry and i can put off eating a lot easier.

today i had:
  • LUNA bar: 180 cals
  • green apple: 80 cals
  • rice cake: 35 cals
  • hard boiled egg white: 17 cals
  • carrots: 35 cals
  • mushroom veggie burger with ketchup: 105 cals
  • cucumber: 30 cals
  • 5 grapes: 15 cals
total: 497 cals

well i managed to keep it under 500 today, which i am pretty sure i haven't done in a while. maybe this well help me get further away from 114 and closer to my ultimate dream goal of 108. i know i won't get that low by the time i leave for st. louis, but if i can just get past 113 or even down to 110, i'll be thrilled.

so i found this study and thought it might be interesting for everyone. it's about how food can actually control your brain and make you binge! VINDICATION FOR JUNK FOODIES EVERYWHERE!

tonight i'm making cupcakes for my nephew's birthday tomorrow! i can't believe he'll be two! unfortunately, i have no idea how i'm going to get out of eating one of these monster cakes of doom. any ideas/suggestions? it's only going to be like 7 of us, so it's not like i can fade into the crowd and claim i had one. help would be much appreciated!

hope everyone else is doing stunningly and inching ever further towards their goals!


Monday, September 28, 2009

because of the times

um so i kind of forgot i had some diet pills. and i took them this morning. and they've actually curbed my hunger during the day.

success? i think so. i mean, sure, nighttime is when it's really bad, but i'll take what i can get.

prettywreck, you are spot on. jillian michaels is fucking scary. but i will say this. i bought her burn fat boost metabolism dvd and that thing KICKS MY ASS. i mean, you're jumping, you're squatting, you're punching, you're doing burpees, it's like a 40 minute workout from hell. and it ROCKS. you know why? because she's not perfect. because she says she can't bend. because she makes fun of the other girls (in a lighthearted way) for being better than her and having incredible bodies. it's actually great. it's like working out with your snarky best friend. and today i tried her 30 day shred dvd and it was great. the workouts are only 20 minutes long but there are three levels to choose from. i figure since i've got twelve days, i'll do four days on level one, four on level two, and four on level three. overall, i'm really pleased with the dvds. okay, ending commercial now...

so today was overall pretty decent. did the elliptical at the gym and came home to do a dvd. since it's FINALLY starting to cool off here, i actually got to wear jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. yaaaaaay! i love summer, don't get me wrong, but i also love to wear BOOTS and JEANS and SKIRTS WITH TIGHTS. yeah i've gotta say fall is my favorite season.

so since lorien beautylove asked for it, here's my diet breakdown for today:
  • Luna Bar: 180 cals
  • 10 grapes: 30 cals
  • apple: 80 cals
  • rice cake with hard-boiled egg white: 52 cals
  • 1/2 banana: ~50 cals
  • minestrone: ~110 cals
  • 10 grapes: 30 cals
  • 1.5 tbsp jam: 75 cals
total: 597 cals
again, not fantastic. i haven't done a food log in a while and writing it all down and knowing i would have to be held accountable for it kind of scared me a little. i'm still craving like EVERYTHING under the sun, so i'll be super glad when i'm finally NOT PMSing. i keep telling myself that i can't go eat oreos. or peanut butter. or that giant loaf of bread with butter. but then a little voice in the back of my head whispers that i totally could, i could just purge and never think about it, that i've worked out today and all those days before and i should allow myself another binge.

but the truth is that i've got 12 days until i see my boyfriend again. and of course, even though i've been trying so hard to stick to the rules and work out as much as possible, i'm still at a ridiculous 114. so it feels like even though i'm hungry all the time and want to binge so badly because i'm a girl and "that time of the month" sucks, it's like nothing is happening. and when i feel so worthless and down, i just wonder what's the point of continuing on this regimen. if i'm doomed to be a fattie, i might as well eat.

sigh but then i get so many wonderful comments and i want to be so good and strong like all those other blogs i read, so i stick to it. at least for one more night.


Sunday, September 27, 2009


i would drop kick a puppy off a moving bus for some peanut butter right now.

no, that's a lie and really horrible animal cruelty. i wouldn't ever do that. but i DO really want some peanut butter.

how about "i would sit through Glitter for some peanut butter." or maybe "i would be stuck in an elevator with heidi montag for half an hour if it meant i could binge on peanut butter and not gain a single calorie."

ok maybe that last one is a bit extreme. i don't think they give you peanut butter in prison and that's where i'd go after i beat the living daylights out of her after fifteen seconds of her inane prattle.

i've been so so hungry all day. i don't know if it's PMS or what, but it's been taking all my will-power not to just go downstairs and binge for like three hours then purge for four.

went to hot yoga this morning, which was nice. however, i couldn't do a couple of the poses that require a lot of leg strength. i like to think i'm in shape because i work out every day, but the truth is my legs are really weak. i don't know why, god knows i'm on that elliptical faithfully, i always take the stairs, and i kick my own ass with pilates/yoga/a jillian michaels dvd at least three times a week. but still, i have problems doing poses like "awkward airplane" and stuff like that. by the end of the class, my legs felt all tingly and as i walked to my car i thought my knees were kind of knocking together. i have to admit though, i kind of loved that feeling.

so far today, i've eaten more than i should:
  • scrambled egg whites with spinach in a whole wheat pita with ketchup: 149
  • cantaloupe: 40 cals
  • grapes: 30 cals
  • KIND bar: 190 cals
  • apple: 80 cals
  • 1.5 rice cakes: 53 cals
total: 442 cals

but hopefully the ~780 cals i burned from hot yoga will even things out. i might have to go out to dinner later, which will suck but i've already laid the ground work and told my mom i wasn't feeling well so perhaps i can get away with just a salad or something small like that.

i wish i weren't so weak. i wish i didn't crave food as much as i do. but i've still got my dress hanging up and i just look at it whenever i need to be reminded to stay strong.

the first day is always the worst. but that's over now, and i know that i can make it through the cravings and the nausea. so today i need to just push through, so i can be slim and gorgeous and controlled like all you wonderful girls (and guys? maybe? i don't know) who read this.


Saturday, September 26, 2009

a little thinspiration for me...

i'm feeling it. the images of food on my peripheral vision. the ghost feeling of treats on my tongue. it's there. it's almost palpable.

i'm fucking hungry. and i know it. and i'm not going to indulge it.

it feels so good in a sick, twisted way.

that bread? it'll be there tomorrow. and the next day. and the day after that.

i'm not going to eat it tonight. not the bread. not the butter. not the oreos. or the graham crackers. or anything else.

i've done decent today and i'm not fucking it all up for the millionth time.

instead i'm staying in my room and going to bed early. then i'll get up and do hot yoga tomorrow morning. 

that's my dress for the boyfriend's birthday, by the way. i guess it's more thinspiration for me than for you guys, so i'm sorry if it's a little selfish for me to post it, but you see, i need to look fucking amazing in it. because let's face it, i know there are a lot of gorgeous girls in st louis and i'll be damned if i let any skinny bitch steal my boyfriend away from me.

not that he would ever let anything happen like that. he's extremely loyal. but that doesn't mean i don't worry...

it's super cute though! and the white thing is the tag, by the way. it's just a plain black spaghetti strapped top but it's H&M so you know that shizz be tight (word.)

thank you so much for the comments, you guys. you don't know how much it means to me. i could cry (and with the amount of pms-ing currently going on, there's a solid chance of that occurring)

so thank you. again. from the bottom of my heart.


black holes and revelations

well here it goes.

i didn't get back on track. i did the very opposite. i figured that i couldn't get my mind in the proper state as long as pms as family shit was ruling my brain.

but i'm not using that as an excuse any more. i actually crave the desperate fight against my stomach to not binge. and i'm going to win now.

today it starts. i know i've said it again and again, so this time i know i have to do it right because i can't keep letting everyone down.

i'm going to the gym now. when i get back, i'll read all the blogs i've neglected while in my food coma.

i love you all and if you choose not to support me this time because i've kept letting you down, i understand.