Sunday, October 18, 2009

i suck

huge. massive. epic. ginormous. FAIL.

i binged last night. ate two bagels that my dad brought back from nyc. some cereal. some peanut butter. a bit of chocolate.

and i've gained three pounds overnight from it.


fuck i'm such a fatass.

ok, wait, now what would i say if anyone else was in my place? calm down? it's just one day? you can always lose the weight? freaking out won't make the pounds melt away any faster, just be clam, cut yourself some slack and get ready to start over? sigh, i always mean it when i say it to someone else, but when i tell myself all i want to do is scream back "no, you don't understand, i'm a fucking beached whale!" my friends always say i'm so lenient on everyone but myself. i guess that's because i know i can talk down to myself and i'll take it...

well, hopefully hot yoga will have done something. well, hot yoga and the maximum strength laxatives. and the coffee. and the water.

maybe i'll skip dinner tonight too. feign a headache and stay in my room to study. if i can just get past the 4:00-5:00 p.m. hunger pangs i'm never very hungry for dinner.

ugh and my parents are fighting already. and sister dear is in a shit mood. then again, so am i. i'm so mad at myself. so disappointed in my apparent lack of willpower. no wonder i'll never be thin like all those gorgeous girls in class this morning. i'll just always be the girl with rolls and rolls of fat. like a shar-pei, only less drool (usually).



  1. i you dont want to hear it will be okay so i wont say that

    so im telling you this make sure its only 3 pounds dont you dare go moping around, binging and gaining more get back on the horse and loose those 3 pounds

    happened to me before gained 3 pounds hated myself for it binged purged mulitple times a day for about a week before i got back on that horse but your strong you will do it


  2. OK, I'll drink more water. Not much of an apricot girl, though, don't know why. But thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it!

  3. I love your layout! Hopefully your parents stopped fighting.. I can't stand when my parents fight.. It makes being at home basically impossible!
    Did you make it past the 4-5pm hunger pangs?

  4. Thank you, I hope so, too. They are REALLY mild laxies. Like, they don't "make" you have a shit, they "let" you have one. How's that for mild? :\ We'll see. Funny thing, though, my mom gave them to me. She even knows all about my ED and lax addiction and all. But she also knew that I hadn't shit in 5 days, too.

  5. At least you didn't gain FOUR like yours truly!

    I totally have every intention to get my fucking act together starting tomorrow, and I would love it if dear Ruby did it with me!