Wednesday, October 7, 2009



after getting sick yesterday and then subsequently lying in bed for a few hours, i got up and made dinner.

then i binged.

and i purged.

and i binged.

and i purged.

i feel like i'm my own saboteur. the moment i start getting close to me goal weight i do something stupid like this. it's like i'm scared to reach it. maybe i am. maybe i'm scared that i'll get there and then i still won't like how i look, i'll still be huge, and i'll never ever be beautiful. or maybe i'm scared that once i get there, i won't have anything else to work for. let's face it, this isn't something that is a part-time deal for me. i spend the majority of my day thinking about food (what i can have, what i can't have, number of calories, when can i eat, why i can't eat, etc...) and looks (god my arms jiggle, will this tummy ever go away?, is it raining out? oh no that's just the sound of my thunder thighs...). if i get to 108 and i look the same, what will i do? keep going? could i?

well it looks like we might find out soon. somehow, the scale today says 109.5

and i have no intention of fucking up again :-)



  1. awww yeah. I totally have the same doubts.
    Like will I ever love my body or when I reach my goal will I still be disgusted by it?
    I guess we both just have to trust that even if we're too close to see the difference, others see it and it's there? Like over time you get used to the changes, but looking at a before and after would show it.

    And congrats on your new determination! I know you can do it!!

  2. I'm so happy for you!! you are doing SO great! thank you for being such a big inspiration!!

  3. Thanks for your support, and stay strong... I know it is not easy everyday but if you're detirmined, you can do everything...! Keep it up and focus on something else, I always read or watch tvshows to inspire me and make me not think about food. Or think about how bad the food you are thinking about is baaad for you!!
    keep on going, girl, I know you can...!
    Xo, Twiny