Thursday, October 1, 2009

knocked up

i would love a day off please. thank you.

when do i get a day off? is it when i get to 110? or 108? when do i let myself have a treat? a REAL treat. maybe just a binge and purge. just one. i don't even know if i get one.

the scale for some reason is being very nice. it says that i've lost weight and i'm somehow magically at 111.5

however, i don't trust it. scales can be wonky. i won't believe it until it's stayed around there for three days.

crazy? yes. paranoid? of course. expected? oh yeah.

so i'd really love a day off this super restrict. things are so beyond stressful around here. between my dad being home and my sister being...well, my sister, i feel like i'm constantly on high alert. i hate it so so much. i can't even smoke as a way of blowing off some steam. all i want is to eat some oreos and a glass of milk. or some cinnamon toast crunch. but then i know i'll binge and i'll purge and i'll cry and just want to take it all back. i've already had like three tablespoons of jam which is like 150 calories. i guess that's my "binge" for the day. i already want to throw it up.

so i continue forward, too depressed to even be proud of  myself for somehow getting to 111.5

i thought i'd finally be able to post a super exuberant note on here once i got away from 114 or 113. i'm really sorry i'm such a downer, you guys. you're all so very sweet to me and so positive and encouraging. i hope i can at least be the same for you!

thank you again!



  1. You sound like you need a hug so, so much right now. And I know it's not really anything, coming from a brand-new reader, plus just being over the internet, but here. -hugs-

    We're all here for ya, and always will be. :)

  2. Aww first of all huge congrats on getting too 111.5, that's really good! I'm sorry you're in a sad mood, but don't even think about thinking about being a downer cause no one thinks that and we're all here so we can support you and love you and make you happy!
    I think if you really want to you should give yourself a break day once you reach a goal, like maybe 110 lbs? I think that would probably relieve a lot of stress/tension. But don't worry everything will be okay (:
    Love you and hope you feel happy soon (:

  3. ughhh isnt that annoying? the whole part about not being excited once you get to a good weight. from experience, i balloon back up and regret not enjoying every second of being thin. im sorry you're having a blah day. so try some skinny clothes on, or try on your own clothes that dont fit anymore. be happy darling. you deserve it! 111.5 is amazinggggggg

  4. Maybe you should have a day where you eat like full, healthy meals. Like a day of 2000 calories, but only like fruits and veggies and lean meats and not worrying about eating a tiny amount and still not worrying about calories...? If that makes sense.