Thursday, October 1, 2009

knocked up



i would love a day off please. thank you.

when do i get a day off? is it when i get to 110? or 108? when do i let myself have a treat? a REAL treat. maybe just a binge and purge. just one. i don't even know if i get one.



the scale for some reason is being very nice. it says that i've lost weight and i'm somehow magically at 111.5


however, i don't trust it. scales can be wonky. i won't believe it until it's stayed around there for three days.


crazy? yes. paranoid? of course. expected? oh yeah.


so i'd really love a day off this super restrict. things are so beyond stressful around here. between my dad being home and my sister being...well, my sister, i feel like i'm constantly on high alert. i hate it so so much. i can't even smoke as a way of blowing off some steam. all i want is to eat some oreos and a glass of milk. or some cinnamon toast crunch. but then i know i'll binge and i'll purge and i'll cry and just want to take it all back. i've already had like three tablespoons of jam which is like 150 calories. i guess that's my "binge" for the day. i already want to throw it up.



so i continue forward, too depressed to even be proud of  myself for somehow getting to 111.5


i thought i'd finally be able to post a super exuberant note on here once i got away from 114 or 113. i'm really sorry i'm such a downer, you guys. you're all so very sweet to me and so positive and encouraging. i hope i can at least be the same for you!


thank you again!


xoxo,
rubes

4 comments:

  1. You sound like you need a hug so, so much right now. And I know it's not really anything, coming from a brand-new reader, plus just being over the internet, but here. -hugs-

    We're all here for ya, and always will be. :)

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  2. Aww first of all huge congrats on getting too 111.5, that's really good! I'm sorry you're in a sad mood, but don't even think about thinking about being a downer cause no one thinks that and we're all here so we can support you and love you and make you happy!
    I think if you really want to you should give yourself a break day once you reach a goal, like maybe 110 lbs? I think that would probably relieve a lot of stress/tension. But don't worry everything will be okay (:
    Love you and hope you feel happy soon (:

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  3. ughhh isnt that annoying? the whole part about not being excited once you get to a good weight. from experience, i balloon back up and regret not enjoying every second of being thin. im sorry you're having a blah day. so try some skinny clothes on, or try on your own clothes that dont fit anymore. be happy darling. you deserve it! 111.5 is amazinggggggg

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  4. Maybe you should have a day where you eat like full, healthy meals. Like a day of 2000 calories, but only like fruits and veggies and lean meats and not worrying about eating a tiny amount and still not worrying about calories...? If that makes sense.

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