my treacherous body.
i deprive it. i refuse to give it unhealthy things it craves. i give it little, but enough. then i indulge. i give it everything it wants. but then, like a wrathful god, i take it all away again, in a forceful and violent manner.
and yet today, even when i'm so happy and excited to have reached a weight goal, or at least to be so close to one, i find myself craving again. do i think i deserve it? do i think that now is the time when i can have these things? it's not.
i can't get sloppy. i can't allow myself anything i want. i have so little time. two days. forty-eight hours. and i have to do this right.
so why is it that i want nothing more than to do it all wrong? i indulged once already today. a tall soy latte. 120 calories. putting me at 380 for the day so far. dinner is coming when my sister arrives home. she wants to do sushi one night while my mom is gone. i'll have to beg off, claiming financial strains make such extravagances out of the question. she'll offer to pay. i'll try to keep saying no. if she becomes suspicious, i'll have to eat it. carbs past four. again. bad bad bad ruby.
i didn't even work out today. my legs were so sore and i slept so little last night (huge fights with the boyfriend will do that) that i just couldn't get the energy up to put on the same clothes, listen to the same songs, on the same machines, running towards the same goal.
it could be so easy. just something yummy to have while studying. cinnamon toast crunch and a tall glass of milk? tablespoon after tablespoon of peanut butter? my two greatest weaknesses. sitting in the pantry downstairs, waiting for me to fail.
why is my body fighting this? because it knows it's not supposed to be this weight? because it's unnatural? fuck. does this mean i'm naturally supposed to be fat? that i'm genetically destined to despise myself? who am i really fighting...
my hunger or myself?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
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Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the best cereal ever, but if you buy the off-brand from Walmart it tastes weird and turns you off of it in general.
ReplyDeleteyou can resist the cereal and peanut butter! you can! i know that giving into cravings is SO easy but think of the time right after you give in- will it REALLY be worth it? i know how hard it is, my house is always filled with food- but unless you need those treats then just believe in your resisting powers :)
ReplyDeleteDon't give in! If you give in you will be torn away from that goal weight faster than your thighs can jiggle. - Sorry if that sounds mean but I make the same damn mistake every time I get close to or reach a goal and indulge myself. Don't do it, you will regret it so much.
ReplyDeletexo
Thanks for all of your support! Now it's my turn to give some back.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to weigh what you want to. You deserve to be skinny, nevermind what your body wants. Keep it up! You're my thinspiration.
xoxo
good luck with the sister. try to stick with only miso soup and soybeans. and stay on track lovely! youll be so proud of yourself if you do. i know you can do it!!! youre amazing. fight it!
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