because of the times

um so i kind of forgot i had some diet pills. and i took them this morning. and they've actually curbed my hunger during the day.

success? i think so. i mean, sure, nighttime is when it's really bad, but i'll take what i can get.

prettywreck, you are spot on. jillian michaels is fucking scary. but i will say this. i bought her burn fat boost metabolism dvd and that thing KICKS MY ASS. i mean, you're jumping, you're squatting, you're punching, you're doing burpees, it's like a 40 minute workout from hell. and it ROCKS. you know why? because she's not perfect. because she says she can't bend. because she makes fun of the other girls (in a lighthearted way) for being better than her and having incredible bodies. it's actually great. it's like working out with your snarky best friend. and today i tried her 30 day shred dvd and it was great. the workouts are only 20 minutes long but there are three levels to choose from. i figure since i've got twelve days, i'll do four days on level one, four on level two, and four on level three. overall, i'm really pleased with the dvds. okay, ending commercial now...

so today was overall pretty decent. did the elliptical at the gym and came home to do a dvd. since it's FINALLY starting to cool off here, i actually got to wear jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. yaaaaaay! i love summer, don't get me wrong, but i also love to wear BOOTS and JEANS and SKIRTS WITH TIGHTS. yeah i've gotta say fall is my favorite season.

so since lorien beautylove asked for it, here's my diet breakdown for today:

• Luna Bar: 180 cals
• 10 grapes: 30 cals
• apple: 80 cals
• rice cake with hard-boiled egg white: 52 cals
• 1/2 banana: ~50 cals
  
• minestrone: ~110 cals
• 10 grapes: 30 cals
• 1.5 tbsp jam: 75 cals
  

total: 597 cals

again, not fantastic. i haven't done a food log in a while and writing it all down and knowing i would have to be held accountable for it kind of scared me a little. i'm still craving like EVERYTHING under the sun, so i'll be super glad when i'm finally NOT PMSing. i keep telling myself that i can't go eat oreos. or peanut butter. or that giant loaf of bread with butter. but then a little voice in the back of my head whispers that i totally could, i could just purge and never think about it, that i've worked out today and all those days before and i should allow myself another binge.

but the truth is that i've got 12 days until i see my boyfriend again. and of course, even though i've been trying so hard to stick to the rules and work out as much as possible, i'm still at a ridiculous 114. so it feels like even though i'm hungry all the time and want to binge so badly because i'm a girl and "that time of the month" sucks, it's like nothing is happening. and when i feel so worthless and down, i just wonder what's the point of continuing on this regimen. if i'm doomed to be a fattie, i might as well eat.

sigh but then i get so many wonderful comments and i want to be so good and strong like all those other blogs i read, so i stick to it. at least for one more night.

xoxo,

rubes