Monday, September 7, 2009

come and open up your folding chair next to me

so like i said i binged again last night. i wound up trying to purge but i saw blood so fast that i got scared and stopped. i don't think i can do that again for a while. i had a whole bunch of nightmares last night and i didn't even fall asleep until around 3 so, needless to say, i didn't get up early this morning. but i did make myself go to the gym, and i was still so mad about purging that i made myself really do a long workout.

it's interesting. i go to this little gym that's part of the country club my parents belong to (yes, i know, country clubs are pretentious and annoying and i could go into how much i don't like it, but let's face it, i'll sound like a whiny brat so i'll just say that i know i'm lucky and blessed that i have parents who can provide for me in such a way and we'll leave it at that). it's got maybe a dozen machines, six ellipticals, six treadmills. oh and two stationery bikes. but it's pretty small and all the machines face these huge one-way windows so you can look out at the pool. and obviously, as today is labor day, EVERYONE was out. and there were all these adorable little kids, and all these parents, but there were these two girls who looked like they were in high school and god i was so jealous. they were turned to the side talking and they were so...flat. i always have this rounding of my lower abdomen and i don't know what to do to get rid of it but they were all so flat! so i made myself really push and not give up. so i wound up being at the gym for almost two hours!

then i came home and of course, sister dear was pissed at me that i went to work out. she barely spoke to me then she bolted out of the room, ran up the stairs, and slammed the door. all i had said was hi and how she was. honestly.

what. the fuck.

so i just was like "alright crazy bitch. you're doing yoga later so you're going to burn a shitton of calories. what do you care if i went to work out?" but of course, it doesn't matter because it's all about her.

so i had some breakfast and i swear, like ten minutes after i finished i thought i was going to puke. the room started moving and i felt like i was carsick or something.i don't know what happened. so i came upstairs and lay down for a little while and my mom kept insisting that it was because i had worked out too long without eating so she made me eat and i decided to have a kind bar because i thought the protein would be good. and now i'm feeling better. unfortunately, i just ate another 170 calories and now i want more. eff.

but tonight we're grilling out for labor day. and grilling is one of the least fatty ways to prepare food so i'm actually cool with this. since i'm vegetarian and the rest of the family (except sister dear) is having steak, i said i'd make grilled veggie kebabs. and of course sister dear will insist upon having the same because she can't stand to let me eat anything low fat without her. ugh.

but whatever. so far today it's been:
  • egg white omelet: 45 cals
  • cantaloupe: 40 cals
  • KIND bar: 170 cals
total: 255 cals

  • 1 hr, 5 mins elliptical: 575 cals
  • 20 mins treadmill (walking): 75 cals
total: 650 cals

i should probably get out of the house before i give into the craving and go have a green apple with cheese. oh ana, when will you help me? i need to find food less desirable. i need strength.

tonight i'm not binging. i'm going to have peppermint tea after dinner as i think that the taste suppresses my appetite and the warmth makes me feel full.



No comments:

Post a Comment