clean start

so, after waking up at around 6 a.m. when the six maximum strength laxatives i took decided to kick in, i think i'm starting on a clean slate today.

so far, i've gone to the gym for:

• 30 minutes elliptical (300 cals)
• 20 minutes walking on treadmill (75 cals)
• exercise dvd (~200 cals)

total: ~575 cals

and i haven't eaten yet but i plan on having:

• 2 egg-white omelet with 1 tbsp skim milk: 45 cals
• fresh cantaloupe: 40 cals
• 10 grapes: 30 cals
• 1 cup coffee: 0 cals

total: 115 cals

so overall, this shouldn't be too bad. at least so far. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself to keep from eating later. maybe reading? i've got this list of 100 books that everyone is supposed to read before they die. I've read maybe 27, which isn't bad, since that's a little more than 1 per year i've been alive. currently, i'm reading dracula. which is actually really interesting, considering how much i love true blood (and that i may have enjoyed twilight a little more than i should have...) this is not edward cullen or bill the vampire. this is pretty scary stuff. i know, that probably sounds a little lame, but ihave an overactive imagination. i think that's why i have always loved books, acting, and music so much, because i could put myself in the story (or the song or the role) and just exist outside myself for a while.

ok, for the rest of the day, in theory, it will be:

• 1 Kind bar: 150 cals
• 1 green apple: 80 cals

dunno about dinner though. it's leftover night and i'm debating between a veggie burger or stir-fry with tofu. i eat those veggie burgers whenever i can (90-100 cals? hells yes) but i worry that i should eat more fresh vegetables and less processed stuff. sigh. decisions decisions.

so overall, i should be at around 615 calories for the whole day. in theory. if i let myself have around 150 cals for dinner and then a mug of warm milk to relax (90 cals).

but i know sister dear is going to make me feel like shit for talking on and on about how she hasn't been eating. i know she's having a flare-up from her illness and that's why she's not eating, but does she have to rub it in my face and be so obviously smug about it? i feel so bad that she still bothers me this much. my mom took me on a vacation for five days to get me out of the house because she knows how much this fucked up competition is messing with my head. and i know she thought this would be good for me, but i binged because of course i was pms-ing and chocolate chip cookies seemed like a brilliant idea. as did french fries. so she caught me purging once. and i tried to resist, really i did, but i binged and purged every day that i was gone. all i could think about was how sister dear was home alone and probably not eating because mom wouldn't be around to ask. and i was sickly envious.

but oh well, i've been going to the gym and she hasn't so maybe those extra calories i'm burning will do me some good in this stupid war she's declared.

i can do this. this is the first day of the new me.

xoxo,
rubes