Saturday, September 5, 2009

le sigh

so i had an awful binge last night. i don't even know why i did it. i didn't even really crave the food, but i just kept eating. and then i purged. and then i saw blood. so i stopped. and now my throat hurts so much that i know i can't do that again. at least not for a while, because let's face it, i know i'll fuck up again.

today was a little better. i was feeling less achy and sore so i went to the gym for a little bit then came home and did a dvd. my dad came back in town again today so it's been really depressing around here. if you can believe it, sister dear gets into even WORSE moods when my dad is around because she acts like she's the only one he victimizes. but she's not. she just thinks that if something bad happens, it only happens to her. no one else in the world is allowed to have any problems but her, hence why she got pissed at me when i said i had a headache. no one else is allowed to feel ill but her. ugh. and worst part is, she's just like my dad. whether she admits it or not, they have a ton in common. so it's like dealing with two of her when he's around. god, no wonder i wanted to binge again tonight.

i managed to make today ok. i still feel like a huge lardass, and of course i will because i am. and i'm starting to feel kind of alone in this community. i read all these other blogs but i don't know if anyone even reads mine. i guess i shouldn't care because i don't want to be that girl who fishes for compliments and really this journal should be more about keeping myself on track rather than getting other people to motivate my massive behind.

so today, i had:
  • fresh cantaloupe: 40 cals
  • 2 egg white omelet with 1 tsp milk: 45 cals
  • 5 grapes: 15 cals
  • fresh watermelon: 40 cals
  • 1 granny smith apple: 80 cals
  • 2 wedges laughing cow cheese: 70 cals
  • 10 blueberries: 8 cals
  • 1 lobster tail: 135 cals
  • 1 cup peas: 100 cals
  • corn: 65 cals
  • 2 tsp jam: 35 cals
total: 633
FUCK. i did NOT realize i ate that much. oh my god and i was actually considering letting myself have dessert. WHAT A FATASS.

  • 30 mins elliptical: 300 cals
  • 20 mins treadmill: 80 cals
  • pilates/yoga dvd: ~100 cals
  • yoga dvd: ~90 cals
total: ~570 cals
total intake: 63 cals
apparently i can do nothing right. i ate a shit ton today too. i fail. maybe i should just go ahead and eat that cinnamon toast crunch. it won't matter since i'm just going to look like roseanne's body double until i die. fuck.

hope everyone else is doing better than me,


  1. I read your blog every time you post. Its very relatable and I enjoy reading!

  2. I think you did fine! You only have 63 net cals, and you ate a bunch of really healthy stuff, so I think you'll be fine. Don't be so hard on yourself. : (