Thursday, September 3, 2009

oh peanut butter, why must you taunt me?

another day, another...well, not dollar as i'm still unemployed. but hey, i'll take weight loss! i think this water weight is finally starting to fade after my EIGHT FUCKING DAY period. or maybe the fact that i've tried to stop being such a lazy ass is actually paying off.

today was kind of nerve-wracking for me. first of all, i have been waking up at 6 a.m. randomly for the past few days and it's crazy. i don't know why. but i just lay there for a while thinking "do i get up? do i try to sleep? when did i go to bed? how many hours is that?" and eventually i can sleep for a few more hours. but i knew i had to get up early because our fridge has been busted for weeks and the guy was finally coming in to clean it, which means i had to help my mom clean out EVERYTHING from the fridge. we were almost out of eggs, which meant no egg-white omelet for breakfast. i decided i'd hit the grocery store after the gym but with the guy coming, i thought i shouldn't bother. so instead, i had a bigger breakfast than usual AND i had to cut my workout short since the cleaning woman was coming in and my mom had to leave for a doctor's appointment. so i did half an hour on the elliptical, raced home, did a firm, flat abs video, and realized i didn't have time to do anything else before my mom got home and since i don't want her knowing that i work out when she's not home too, i had to just call it a day.

well then, after cleaning out the fridge, the guy was late. which means literally EVERYTHING in our fridge was just SITTING out on the counter to mock me. it was a bloody nightmare. but i was good. the smell of the cleaner, plus the awkwardness of this random guy in our kitchen, kept me out and away. unfortunately, the whole thing took FOUR HOURS which threw off dinner and left me feeling very anxious.

and of course, anxiety + sister dear = breakdown with mom. i won't go into details because it's the same old shit, but suffice to say, i'm just so sick of her talking about how much she's not eating and working out around me all the time but still complaining about what a piggy she is and how fat she is...urgleflurg. that's right. urgleflurg. it's the noise of ultimate resignation and annoyance and frustration.

but still, i think i've done well for the day. or at least as good as i could.
  • 1 KIND bar: 170 cals
  • 1/2 banana: 55 cals
  • 2 cups coffee: 0 cals
  • 31 grapes: 93 cals
  • 2 wedges of laughing cow cheese: 70 cals
  • broccoli: 50 cals (guessing?)
  • mushroom veggie patty: 90 cals
  • bit of mix i made for the stuffed chicken that sister dear "helpfully" suggested i put on my patty: 15 cals (probably over-estimating but ok)
  • peppermint tea: 0 cals
total intake: 543 cals
  • 30 minutes elliptical: 300 cals
  • abs dvd: ~150 cals
  • yoga/pilates dvd: ~105
 total: 555 cals
total for the day: -12 cals
okay, so, yes. not the best. but not too awful. this almost makes me want to go have some peanut butter, but i know i shouldn't. not until i'm closer to where i was. plus it's past 9 and that would break one of the rules ;-)

so now i'm watching project runway (those models are so fucking thinspiring) and then i'm going to go read and go to bed early after taking some anti-anxiety pills. and tomorrow, i'll get back on schedule and the panic attacks will go away. i hope.


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