success?

hello my darlings!

so i'm calling today a success. and even though i'm not in bed and fast asleep dreaming of flat abs and thigh gap yet and keeping away from yummy food, i'm going to write to you all and say that today was a success so that i won't be tempted to go and eat that yummy food.

so today i had:

• 1/2 english muffin (50 cals)
• 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
• a bunch of grapes (we'll say 25 grapes-like 75 cals, just to be safe)
• 2 cups coffee (0 cals)
  
• 1/3 orange bell pepper (10 cals)
• some string beans (60 cals)
• gardenburger veggie pattie (100 cals)
• lettuce (5 cals)
• ketchup (15 cals)
• warm mug of milk (80 cals)
  

GRAND TOTAL: 412 calories!

AND i even did a fat-burning pilates video! according to caloriesperhour.com, that's probably only approximately 127 calories. that's a guesstimate of course and i'd rather just go with it and hope it's a low-ball.

412-127=285 calories!!!!!!! i almost feel like i belong as a legit part of this community...

overall, today was...interesting. i felt really crappy for a lot of the day. i know water is supposed to be the dieter's best friend but i find when i drink a lot of water, i wind up feeling really sick to my stomach and dizzy. maybe that's the feeling a lot of people go for because i know all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball in bed and sleep for the rest of the day. but i was still SO hungry! i wound up going to get a manicure because i thought "hey, i'll be out of the house and my hands will be out of commission for like an hour, so brilliant!" but no the nail salon just had to have food fucking network on like 4 out of the 6 televisions in there and of course they were all in my line of vision so that in no way helped. but i DIDN'T eat anything. i didn't stop any where. i didn't get starbucks, i didn't come home and eat an entire sleeve of ritz crackers, i just drank some water. and at one point i found myself sitting outside the publix grocery store (where i was going to get some stuff for the fam, no binges for me!), slumped over and feeling like i was going to either pass out or vomit (maybe both, but the other way around, and in rapid succession). but i made myself get out of the car and actually walking around helped a little.

tonight was a leftovers night, which is always my favorite in my house because it means we don't usually eat together and it's kind of everyone for themselves. usually this just means i nibble on whatever seems yummy with no real regard to a solid meal or the food pyramid, but not tonight because i was in control.

so i didn't have to watch my sister barely eat anything and make me feel like shit. i was thinking about your very brilliant comments and i just decided "you know what? if that's what it takes to make her feel good, if she's got to compete with me about everything, if she's got to make me feel fat to make herself feel better, then ok. fine. she can win. she can be the thin one. the toned one. the whatthefuckever one. because that's what she needs. and i'll just do my own thing and be done with it. and hopefully her." she made herself dinner, yes, and she had one of my veggie burgers (because she likes to eat what i do, only better). but whatever. i didn't eat by her. i didn't eat near her. she can do what she likes. she's been pissed at me all day for whatever reason unknown. even though she took me to go get a pedicure for my birthday. she still managed to pout and make sure i knew that she was pissed. randomly deciding that i suck and to be mad at me? ok. go for it.

well the boyfriend comes in tomorrow. and god i hope he tells me i look skinny. i just have to be careful and not eat anything (or not eat a lot) during the day until he arrives. i don't know when that's going to be since he's really crap at letting me know stuff in advance

so i have a bunch of new thinspiration. and i subscribed to a few more blogs. and i managed to do my entire beauty routine tonight without eating anything. and i would really love some food right now. but i won't have any. because i'm strong. and i want thinness. and i will have it, dammit! my hair is glossed, my nails are done, my feet are pedicured, my teeth are whitened, i did my clay mask (why do i have nice clear skin until approximately two days before i'm going to see my boyfriend?), so yaaaaaaaaaaay.

ok. hopefully this tylenol pm will kick in soon and i'll pass out and i won't go downstairs and have a stella d'oro cookie and another glass of milk. no matter how delicious that sounds. or an entire sleeve of ritz crackers. because gwyneth paltrow in all of her GOOPy glory says not to eat anything for twelve hours before you plan on eating again at night. and i plan upon eating around 9 tomorrow morning which means...no for me!

on a side note, gwyneth paltrow went to a school not far away from where my two sisters went when we lived in nyc. gwynnie used to make fun of how my oldest sister (the one who doesn't live at home and slowly whittle away at what's left of my very tenous grip on sanity) dressed. which means that any time i read some article about how she was made fun of in high school and how she was a nerd and teased and bullied all i can think is "you fake bitch." ok so maybe it's "you fake bitch. i want your legs. and your husband, maybe."

whew this was a long post! i guess this is what happens when i've been so focused on staying on track. now the trick will be not to binge tomorrow...

thank you for all the support, lovelies! i know you're all doing just as well, if not better than me! oh who am i kidding, you're all doing fantastically well and way way better than me. and i love you all for it!

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. i wholeheartedly believe that laughing is one of the BEST ways to burn calories. so if you're a twihard or even if you've just read the book and thought "meh. whatevs", check out blogging twilight, wherein an early twenties male reads the twilight book and inserts his own musings on this fine piece of modern literature. it's hilarious. it's awesome. my abs get a work-out every time.