control the chaos

i've been thinking a lot today about control. it's probably one of the most important part of trying to get thin, right up there with determination and really really good thinspo. and it's always been something i've craved.i'm not always the neatest person, the majority of my clothes seem to subsist on my floor rather than neatly tidied away. but the second something goes wrong, all i want to do is clean. i can't tell you how many times my roommates would come home and find the apartment eerily clean post major fight with the bf. they were glad i'd scrubbed the toilet but would be a little freaked by my almost mechanically cheery "oh i'm totally fine! by the way, i've reorganized the spice rack into reverse alphabetical order! paprika before oregano, girls!" now as i'm stuck at home with little to no job prospects and a plateaued weight, i find myself craving control again. it started with cleaning out the fridge. but now i'm looking aroudn everywhere and seeing things i could be doing. and the more i want to clean, the less anxious i feel. it's an obvious metaphor of course: cleaning the space around me equates to how i want to clean myself of fat and bad choices. how much i wish i could just toss out the jiggly bits around my upper thighs as easily as i throw out expired dairy products (moldy yogurt? definitely an appetite killer). so i'm hoping, the more i can get the chaos that is my life under control, the easier i'll be able to parlay it into a control in my weight. so far today it's been good. only 97 calories consumed. and i'm going out to look for a job so i'll be away from the temptation that is my kitchen. my new mantra is "control the chaos." and i totally will, because it calms me. and i could use some calm right now. so if anyone is feeling a little lost, a little out of control, i suggest cleaning something. clear out a bookcase, go through old photos, hell even just make your bed. a bit of control can go a long way.

chins up, weights down! cheers!
xoxo,
rubes