really bad day.

can't believe i binged AGAIN.

i fail.

i just want to give up and call it all quits. i'm destined to just be a fat fuck forever.

efffffffff

well after the amazing high of last night, i've hit a new low today.

i woke up with an aching body and...dun dun dun...a UTI. now, ladies, if you have ever had one of these, i know you will completely understand why i believe that my body is now just made of suck and all i want to do is curl up in a small ball and sleep the day away. if you have never had one, i hate you just a little as you know not the horror through which i am going right now.

obviously, a work-out was not in the cards. BUT the medicine i have to take (yay for oldest sisters who are doctors and can phone in prescriptions!) makes me SUPER nauseated. so i could only stomach a small breakfast and i doubt lunch will be in the cards. dinner will probably only be soup again. which means this could wind up being another 500 calorie day by mistake!

• 1/2 cup of oatmeal (150 cals)
• 30 blueberries (23 cals)
• peppermint tea (0 cals)
• 1 piece of dried mango (22 cals)

ok. i'm going to be good. i'm just going to lie around all day. maybe MAYBE maybe i'll go to the library later if this medcine starts doing something other than making me feel like i'm going to throw up.

sigh. no es bueno. i hate you, body. first you're all pudgy and now you do this? we're going to have to have words.

xoxo,
rubes

oh yeah

what's that? do you hear that? it sounds like...

RUBIX CUBE KICKING SOME ASS!!

that's right. another day of sticking to my plan!! i didn't think i could do it. i thought i'd binge for sure after skipping dinner last night and staying under 500 calories yesterday. but no, i was strong! today i had:

• 1/2 english muffin (50 cals)
• 1/4 avocado (60 cals)
• 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
• 12 grapes (36 cals)
• 3 pickle spears (15 cals)
• 1.5 cups tomato soup (165 cals)
• salad with a little bit of light raspberry vinaigrette (15 cals)
• mug of warm milk (90 cals)
• 25 blueberries (19 cals)
  

GRAND TOTAL: 467 cals

and i even managed to do 2 excercise dvds so i did an hour of aerobics (i guess, maybe, somewhere around there) which means

• 1 hour of aerobics: 336 cals

467-336=131 calories

oh. sweet. baby. jeebus. awesome.

and now i'm watching psych with my mom and sister dear. she's had a few too many glasses of wine and now she won't shut the fuck up and keeps talking during the show. which, i have to say, is one of my biggest aggravations. right up there with wet jean cuffs.

but i will channel my annoyance into further determination to stick to my plan.

my thighs are killing me. ow ow ow ow ow ow. i kind of want to take the day off tomorrow since i've worked out every day for like over a week. but i feel like tomorrow i might not be able to stick to 500 cals so i should make sure i do something.

i can't believe this! i'm not weighing myself until sunday because i don't wan to get all bummed out if i don't see any difference, but i'm hoping (cross your fingers!!) that i'll have gotten back to 113. or lower!

hope all is well, lovelies! stay strong! without your blogs, i'd be nothing

xoxo,
rubes

ooo la la thinspiration

french women tend to have a lot of stigma associated with them. they're considered to be the best-dressed, sexiest, most beautiful, most graceful, and often the thinnest women in the world. they are the source of so much speculation and envy, that a whole selection of books have been written about them and their incredible je ne sais quois such as french women don't get fat, french women don't sleep alone, all you need to be impossibly french: a witty investigation into the lives, lusts, and little secrets of french women, and, my personal favorite, entre nous: a woman's guide to finding her inner french girl. so since neither a relocation to france nor a space-time continuum disturbance wherein we go back and i am born into the family of wealth parisian aristocrats are not going to occur, i am forced to live sadly on the other side of the ocean, dreaming of suddenly waking up french. the french tend to view us americans in one word: loud. we had three french exchange students when i was in high school and that was what they said about us over and over again. we were all loud. and we ate a lot of crap. but mostly, we were loud. sometimes, i'm struck with an overwhelming desire to be french. i'll wear a horizontally striped shirt and some ballet flats and try my hardest to be feminine and graceful. and i'll smoke a lot. there's a lot of inspiration to be found in gorgeous, impossibly chic french women. and here, my dears, is some thinspiration from them to you.

xoxo,
rubes

success? maybe? yes?

good day overall! i managed to only eat:

• 1/2 cup oatmeal (150 cals)
• 10 blueberries (8 cals)
• three drops of honey (i don't know, we'll overestimate and say 10 cals)
• 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
• 10 grapes (30 cals)
• 4 cups coffee (0 cals)
• 28 grapes (84 cals)
• 25 blueberries (20 cals)
• mug of warm milk (80 cals)
• cough drop (17 cals)

calories consumed: 416 cals
calories burned: 128 cals
TOTAL FOR TODAY: 288 cals

not too shabby, rubes old girl. it seems like so much when i type it all out but i was getting really hungry at several points and almost binged on peanut butter when i got home from the bridal show convention thing (where i managed to avoid all free samples of cake)

and i couldn't have done it without my amazing blog subscription list. thinspiration tomorrow! and hopefully another 500 calorie day!

xoxo,
rubes

standing strong

i thought this thinspiration would be appropriate since that's the pose i've done for the past two days. only i don't look nearly as good and i doubt this gorgeous girl chose anything and i ate everything bad.

so today has been pretty good. did my fat-burning pilates cardio video. have any of you ever tried any of the videos from the crunch series? they have a great range of routines and some of the instructors are really unannoying, which i don't know about you, but i find that's really rare when using a workout dvd. however, my one main problem with this dvd is one of the girls they have in the video doing the routines with the instructor. she's immediately behind ellen barrett (the instructor) to the left and this chick is wearing a really short cropped t-shirt and ladies, she does NOT have the midsection to be wearing it. i'm not trying to be a raging bitch, i just think there's very VERY very few girls that should ever attempt such a look and if you have ANY sort of a tummy, just be careful and get an honest opinion first. and this chick, she has a tummy. no she's not huge, there's not like a muffin top/sausage roll/other unflattering food comparison thing going on, but it's really obvious that she should have chosen something more like a real shirt. and it's so DISTRACTING. i just want her to move to the far far back. there's also another chick in the dvd who has CLEARLY been sleeping with someone on the production crew because a) she has some really obviously fake boobs that she likes to show off in this weird bra top thing and b) my god she gets a lot of camera time. and she wears these pigtails! people, if you are over 21, don't wear pigtails. and i'm being generous when i say 21. drew barrymore? she's cute, whimsical, sometimes she can pull this off. but that's the only person over oh, say 12 who i can say that about. for the most part, i think pigtails should be done in a very discretionary manner. like midriff baring crop tops. it's not for everyone.

BUT i decided to do something new for breakfast today! it was a little bit more calories than i had planned but not atrocious.

• 1/2 cup oatmeal (150 cals)
• 10 blueberries (8 cals)
• three drops of honey (i don't know, we'll overestimate and say 10 cals)
• 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
• 10 grapes (30 cals)
• 4 cups coffee (0 cals)

grand total: 215 cals
calories burned with video: 128 cals
total: 87 cals

now i'm watching the america's next top model marathon on bravo, hoping that the sight of all these gorgeously skinny girls will make me not want to eat. or that maybe tyra's craziness will distract me from my hunger. plus i just painted my nails, so no touching anything for me! today will be a good day. i need it to be. after how much i fucked up over the past two days, this discipline will get me feeling good, i know it. i need it to.

wish me luck, girls! i've got like 2.5 hours until i need to start getting ready to go to the bridal show with c. and then i'll get to leave. and i already told my mom i'm going out to dinner with c so i won't be having anything at home. is it bad that i get a little rush from being sneaky and getting to avoid food?

keep up the amazingly inspiring work! oh and i think lipstick lullabies could use some inspiring words, so if you haven't already sent her some love her way, please please do!

xoxo,
rubes

a new day

good morning gorgeouses!

well i tried to sleep as late as i could since i figured if i'm not conscious, i'm not hungry. but when i did finally return to the land of the living, i decided to go weigh myself. and, at best i've maintained. at worst, i've gained two pounds. fuuuuuuuck. so clearly here is what i'm thinking:

• it could be worse
• you did binge rather late last night and purge after. maybe some of it is just food that is yet to be digested.
• you have been doing yoga/pilates every day for over a week and your thighs hurt. it could be muscle.
• it could be worse, you're on track today so far.

is it all just lies to soothe myself? maybe. but i also know that if i just sit here and call myself a lazy bitch who complains to everyone abotu how fat she is but then just shovels food in her face like the hog that she resembles, i'll get sad. and mad. and hungry. so to avoid a sad/mad/hungry hybrid, i'm going to just remain calm and stick to the plan.

AND! i forgot that i have to fulfill some maid of honor obligations for my best friend and go to a bridal show with her tonight. which means i can totally say i'm going to get dinner with her and skip on it tonight! yes!

so the birthday had some unnecessary drama thank to sister dear. we decided to eat out at this really great restaurant and she of course shows up late because of work. ok. no worries. we're all looking at the menu and she's just constantly leaning over the boyfriend, asking me what i'm going to order. like no joke, she did it at least three times. even boyfriend was like "she's acting crazy what is her deal?" but i tried to brush it off. i ordered the ahi fish tacos appetizer and a gorgonzola pear salad. she had a small house salad with vinaigrette on the side (which is totally always my order and she never got that before...but whatevs) and the buffalo chicken pizza. well the salad was super yummy and i had to make myself only eat half of it. and she kept on watching me to see what i was eating and how much i was eating. then when the tacos came, i was really sad to find out that they were super spicy. i mean, i like spicy but these were insane. and there was seasoning on everything. the fish, the sour cream, everything. so i could literally only eat a few bites. and of course sister dear by this time has had three glasses of wine so she's like "sorry you decided not to eat your dinner." then we all came home and by this point, sister dear was drunk. and she's a talkative and mean drunk. i hate it when she's drunk. she once shoved me off the back of a sofa onto the hardwood floor while drunk because she "thought it would be funny." so she winds up eating three pieces of cake. i mean just literally picking them up off the plate and shoving them into her mouth. so i felt a little better. but then, later, boyfriend and i are upstairs watching tv and she decides to stumble in. now, by this point i'm sick of her. she's been belligerent and flirting with boyfriend and talking about herself and asking me over and over if i liked my gift from her because she wanted to hear about how much i loved it and how wonderful she is. so she comes in and starts talking about her ex boyfriend and how single she is and how much it sucks. and then she starts her whole "i'm a fattie. thank god i'm going to spin. i'm so fat. fatfatfatfat." rant and she's almost literally on top of me when she does this and i just turned to her and said "stop that. stop calling yourself fat. i've told you before to stop and i don't like it when you say that." and she just kind of nuzzled me and goes "soooooooooorry." and then wandered off.

it's like being back in fucking high school again. poor boyfriend had to deal with me after she left. i was miserable. i can't stand her. i can't stand her mind games. i really think i'm going to have to move out. i didn't want to until i at least had a job but i guess that's what savings are for because she's really driving me insane.

ugh working out is getting to be a chore. the same videos over and over again. yes i like doing the poses and the flows even though my thighs are killing me, but i would love to just blow it off. however, days off are for good girls who don't go on a carb binge at 1 a.m. and that's soooooooooo not me.

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. ricola lemon herb mint cough drop thingies are the shit! if you're like me and you love to munch on something while watching tv, these things are great. they taste yummy, sucking on them gives you something to do to distract you from eating something way worse, and they're only 17 calories each! hello lunch!

back to business

so i had a lovely birthday with the boyfriend. aside from some really unnecessary and altogether unpleasant drama from sister dear, it was quite fantastic. lots of lovely new clothes which will look smashing once i get rid of this weight and get back on track.

which starts now.

oh my god, i ate so fucking much. i tried so hard but i wound up "indulging" on my birthday. and then again today because the boyfriend was leaving. and guys, it's not pretty. i've thrown up three times already today and just attempted a fourth. my throat hurts so badly. but tomorrow, i'm going to get back to work. i've been doing pilates or yoga videos every morning and tomorrow will be no exception. my plan is:

• usual breakfast
• only grapes/cough drops all day
• fake illness so i can just have some soup for dinner
• fast until bed

if it all works out (and it really fucking has to) then i'll be under 500 cals tomorrow. and i'll have to do it again the next day. and maybe the next. i don't think i could handle the intensity of the ana boot camp, but if anyone has any tips on some variation thereof, i'd be much obliged.

i'll attempt a longer post tomorrow, when i'm going crazy with hunger and eyeing the fridge like it's a shirtless hugh jackman and i'm ready to pounce.

xoxo, rubes

birthday tiara, please

it's my birthday, oh fabulous ones! and while i didn't make it to my goal weight of 110 for the big day, i've managed to get myself to around 112-113 (unreliable scales make figuring this out so damn complicated), so i'll take what i can get and try not to beat myself up too much.

and i managed to stay under 600 calories yesterday AND get in a workout. even though my mom brought home this giant cinnamon coffee cake cinnabon sugar glazed monstrosity and i watched my boyfriend eat it as well as this super yummy looking bread and fantastic sushi. and my mom made a roast turkey which smelled SO GOOD. but i stayed STRONG and kept my intake to 600 which isn't fantastic but considering the temptations around me, i give myself some points.

and today i'm under 100 calories so far plus a yoga video. i know we're going out to dinner and having cake but i figure i'll just try my best and go back to fasting and heavily restricting tomorrow no matter what.

after all, it's my birthday. and one day of around 900 calories (MAX!!!!) won't destroy me. right?

oh to be a boy and get to eat whatever you want and not gain any weight. siiiiiiiiiiiigh. they're so lucky and they don't even know it.

anyway, my gorgeous companions, have a fantastic day and a drink (or two!) for me!

xoxoxoxoxox,
rubes

t-minus one day

okay lovelies,

boyfriend is in town so i won't be able to update much until he leaves.

so far the plan is just to fast as much as i can today. i did part of a fat-burning pilates video this morning and eat half an english muffin topped with a hardboiled egg white. later i know he'll want coffee so i'm going to get an iced tall soy latte (only 90 cals!). dinned tonight is a roast turkey which i get out of as a vegetarian. sister dear (who's twelve years older than me, beteedubs, i know xthinforever asked and yes she's THAT MUCH older than me and acts like she's about twelve years younger, unfortunately) will probably try to get out of it since she'll undoubtedly go to the gym after work and say she "lost her appetite." whatever. she's been texting me all morning about her latest crisis. sorry, i'm too busy for your shit.

AHHHH! MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW! which, beteedubs, may be why sister dear is so pissed. she hates it when anyone other than her gets any attention. and while i don't really give a shit about my birthday, she gets pissed knowing that people will pay more attention to me than her. she'll also "go shopping" in my closet and then complain that whatever she wears looks ugly on her. happy. fucking. birthday.

here's hoping those last three pounds ( i didn't even weigh myself to assess the damage i've undoubtedly done with that binge yesterday) melt off magically. tis a birthday miracle, i shall proclaim!

well, keep up the awesome work gorgeouses! i can't wait to catch up on everyone's progress soon!

xoxo,
rubes

well i knew this would happen

shitshitshitshit.

just ate an entire sleeve of crackers. badbadbadbadbadbadbad.

threw them all up of course. along with some fruit. ugh i feel like ass.

and sister dear is totally still pissed for some reason. whatever. i bought her a pack of gum and she just was a total bitch to me. "What is THIS for?" um because i'm nice? and she totally hasn't eaten like anything all day and she worked out. FUCK.

today is NOT going as i had planned. at. all.

success?

hello my darlings!

so i'm calling today a success. and even though i'm not in bed and fast asleep dreaming of flat abs and thigh gap yet and keeping away from yummy food, i'm going to write to you all and say that today was a success so that i won't be tempted to go and eat that yummy food.

so today i had:

• 1/2 english muffin (50 cals)
• 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
• a bunch of grapes (we'll say 25 grapes-like 75 cals, just to be safe)
• 2 cups coffee (0 cals)
  
• 1/3 orange bell pepper (10 cals)
• some string beans (60 cals)
• gardenburger veggie pattie (100 cals)
• lettuce (5 cals)
• ketchup (15 cals)
• warm mug of milk (80 cals)
  

GRAND TOTAL: 412 calories!

AND i even did a fat-burning pilates video! according to caloriesperhour.com, that's probably only approximately 127 calories. that's a guesstimate of course and i'd rather just go with it and hope it's a low-ball.

412-127=285 calories!!!!!!! i almost feel like i belong as a legit part of this community...

overall, today was...interesting. i felt really crappy for a lot of the day. i know water is supposed to be the dieter's best friend but i find when i drink a lot of water, i wind up feeling really sick to my stomach and dizzy. maybe that's the feeling a lot of people go for because i know all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball in bed and sleep for the rest of the day. but i was still SO hungry! i wound up going to get a manicure because i thought "hey, i'll be out of the house and my hands will be out of commission for like an hour, so brilliant!" but no the nail salon just had to have food fucking network on like 4 out of the 6 televisions in there and of course they were all in my line of vision so that in no way helped. but i DIDN'T eat anything. i didn't stop any where. i didn't get starbucks, i didn't come home and eat an entire sleeve of ritz crackers, i just drank some water. and at one point i found myself sitting outside the publix grocery store (where i was going to get some stuff for the fam, no binges for me!), slumped over and feeling like i was going to either pass out or vomit (maybe both, but the other way around, and in rapid succession). but i made myself get out of the car and actually walking around helped a little.

tonight was a leftovers night, which is always my favorite in my house because it means we don't usually eat together and it's kind of everyone for themselves. usually this just means i nibble on whatever seems yummy with no real regard to a solid meal or the food pyramid, but not tonight because i was in control.

so i didn't have to watch my sister barely eat anything and make me feel like shit. i was thinking about your very brilliant comments and i just decided "you know what? if that's what it takes to make her feel good, if she's got to compete with me about everything, if she's got to make me feel fat to make herself feel better, then ok. fine. she can win. she can be the thin one. the toned one. the whatthefuckever one. because that's what she needs. and i'll just do my own thing and be done with it. and hopefully her." she made herself dinner, yes, and she had one of my veggie burgers (because she likes to eat what i do, only better). but whatever. i didn't eat by her. i didn't eat near her. she can do what she likes. she's been pissed at me all day for whatever reason unknown. even though she took me to go get a pedicure for my birthday. she still managed to pout and make sure i knew that she was pissed. randomly deciding that i suck and to be mad at me? ok. go for it.

well the boyfriend comes in tomorrow. and god i hope he tells me i look skinny. i just have to be careful and not eat anything (or not eat a lot) during the day until he arrives. i don't know when that's going to be since he's really crap at letting me know stuff in advance

so i have a bunch of new thinspiration. and i subscribed to a few more blogs. and i managed to do my entire beauty routine tonight without eating anything. and i would really love some food right now. but i won't have any. because i'm strong. and i want thinness. and i will have it, dammit! my hair is glossed, my nails are done, my feet are pedicured, my teeth are whitened, i did my clay mask (why do i have nice clear skin until approximately two days before i'm going to see my boyfriend?), so yaaaaaaaaaaay.

ok. hopefully this tylenol pm will kick in soon and i'll pass out and i won't go downstairs and have a stella d'oro cookie and another glass of milk. no matter how delicious that sounds. or an entire sleeve of ritz crackers. because gwyneth paltrow in all of her GOOPy glory says not to eat anything for twelve hours before you plan on eating again at night. and i plan upon eating around 9 tomorrow morning which means...no for me!

on a side note, gwyneth paltrow went to a school not far away from where my two sisters went when we lived in nyc. gwynnie used to make fun of how my oldest sister (the one who doesn't live at home and slowly whittle away at what's left of my very tenous grip on sanity) dressed. which means that any time i read some article about how she was made fun of in high school and how she was a nerd and teased and bullied all i can think is "you fake bitch." ok so maybe it's "you fake bitch. i want your legs. and your husband, maybe."

whew this was a long post! i guess this is what happens when i've been so focused on staying on track. now the trick will be not to binge tomorrow...

thank you for all the support, lovelies! i know you're all doing just as well, if not better than me! oh who am i kidding, you're all doing fantastically well and way way better than me. and i love you all for it!

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. i wholeheartedly believe that laughing is one of the BEST ways to burn calories. so if you're a twihard or even if you've just read the book and thought "meh. whatevs", check out blogging twilight, wherein an early twenties male reads the twilight book and inserts his own musings on this fine piece of modern literature. it's hilarious. it's awesome. my abs get a work-out every time.

D-DAY

ok. 11 hour fast (12 am to 11 am) and now all i've had is my usual breakfast and some coffee. i will not go over 500 today. i will not go over 500 today. i will not go over 500 today.

boyfriend comes in tomorrow. and i have to be slim and svelte goddammit so that i won't feel like total ass when sister dear begins flirting with him as she inevitably always does.

oh god i want bread already. what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck...

should i try relacor? or cortislim? been thinking about going on some diet pills but i'm a bit wary after using hydroxycut and getting really irritable and jittery. plus they had that massive recall because of liver damage. so thoughts?

sigh you're all so brilliant and controlled. i love reading blogs because there are so many people who are so much stronger than me. it's inspiring, even if i sometimes feel even more like shit because i'm not as good as everyone else.

ok. nothing more today until dinner. and about an hour before i'm going to start claiming i have a migraine and that it's killed my appetite. and if i get bored later or start feeling hungry, i'll do some fat-burning yoga. yes, this is a solid plan. and after dinner i'll use teeth-whitening strips so i can't eat. then use a gloss treatment on my hair and a clay mask. and do my nails. okay, this is totally do-able.

wish me luck!

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. if you don't already read xthinforever's blog, please do. she's having a rough time right now and could surely use some love. she's super brilliant and her blog is fantastic.

can i just get a do-over, please?

hokay. so.

felt a little better after some time in bed. decided to venture out with mom to finish up my birthday shopping. went to anthropologie. my god that place is so intimidating. there were all these super skinny and super well-dressed girls there. meanwhile i'm feeling like a fucking whale and like a really crap dresser. so i managed to convince my mom to hightail it out of there. we wandered around a few other shops but i kept feeling like the salespeople were trying to figure out why someone like me would be in a store like theirs. and i'm not sure i could really give them a reason (by the way, since when the fuck is $160 a legitimate amount for a t-shirt? did i miss some memo? i thought there was some sort of a recession going on...).

then we went to j. crew and they had these super cute matchstick corduroy pants. now, i don't really know or get how to do the whole 26-27-28 inch whatever business. i'm lame. i buy my jeans from places like express where they just have 0-2-4 and so on. so i found a handy little conversion chart and tried on the 27 pair. they were a bit large in the waist! hurrah! but the 26 required me to do some weird little shimmy thing to get into them and then there may or may not have been a muffin top situation occurring so i didn't get either pair. but i wanted to fit into the 26 so badly. then somehow the topic turned to my sister and i told my mom how i felt like she was competing with me all the time. and my mom pretty much said "yeah, and isn't that a little pathetic?" and then i told her how she would make all those piggy comments and how shit it makes me feel and pretty much my mom said she's told her before not to do that. i've told her before not to do that. she just doesn't give a fuck.

so then tonight she goes to the gym then comes home and eats like maybe a quarter of a chicken breast and some string beans. meanwhile i'm having a tortilla with shrimp, lettuce, some avocado, and light sour cream. and i feel like a fucking hog while she nibbles daintily. i just wanted to scream. she likes to pretend like she's on my side and she's totally there for me while i struggle with this ED. but she just wants to be the skinny one. she'd probably love for me to gain about a hundred pounds.

well you know what, sister dear? you win. you fucking win.

i just went straight upstairs after dinner and threw it all up. but it doesn't matter. she's still going to win. she'll still be thinner than me. and she'll probably do yoga later. fuck.

i'm just doomed to be the fat sister.

sigh. i need to lose weight. fast. any suggestions? fasting isn't really an option for me since my mom tends to watch me like a hawk. and so does sister dear so she can point out when i'm not eating and force me to eat something.

fuck.

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. ana: i wish the scale were off but everyone in my family swears by my mom's. sigh.
p.p.s. xthinforever: haha no one has called me rubix cube in ages! loves it!
p.p.s. heebeejebus!: i LOVE your name! and i hope i can live up to the high standard of my name as set by your cat. it's a bit of pressure, yeah? ;-)

urgh

bad day.

found out my scale is off by about five pounds. thought i was close to my goal weight. i'm not.

ate a bunch of ritz crackers. felt like i might legitimately throw up. purged. now feel even worse.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupi.

i'll try to write more later.

hope everyone else is doing better than me!

xoxo,
rubes

you're all so kind

thank you for the kind comments, lovelies! enjoy the thinspo!

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. successfully avoided those ritz crackers!

distractions...

hello lovelies!

i'm absolutely DYING for some ritz crackers right now but i must be strong so i'm blogging to you gorgeouses instead!

so decent day so far. i did some yoga this morning and probably burned around 80 cals (maybe more but i always low-ball so i don't think "ah yes, i can totally have whatever the fuck i'd like today!") and since then it's just been grapes and half and english muffin with a hard-boiled egg white. and coffee. and lots and lots of water.

had a bit of a binge last night. bad bad ruby. and then i thought "well i guess i should go purge" and my FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH BROKE while it was IN MY THROAT! sigh this happens semi-often since i suppose i'm an aggressive purge device wielder. so i had to go out and get another one this morning and picked up some more chocolate laxatives too. i wonder how many calories are in those things? because i eat them like, well, candy.

going out to dinner tonight. which is good, on the one hand, because then i don't have to worry about accomodating everyone's diet (sister dear can't eat red meat or pork or anything like that. just chicken and fish.) but on the other hand, the place we're going is a grill/pub/giant hunking portions of fatty deep-friend goodness thing so my options are limited.

i know i've mentioned my sister before and i should probably explain why she can be a bit of a vexation to me when i'm trying to lose weight. she's always been a bit competitive (and for some reason weirdly jealous even though she's twelve years older than me) with me and when it comes to looks, it's no exception. a few summers ago we would work out together and she would always have to beat me. i did the treadmill for 45 minutes? she did it for 50. i did yoga? she did yoga and pilates. she had an eating disorder when she was younger but she recovered, though she's still a bit of a work-out addict (soooo not my thing). so anyway, she knows i'm struggling with ED-NOS (therapist insisted i should tell my family when i was trying to recover hardcore) but she still likes to make little comments about what a piggy she is when she eats ANYTHING which makes me feel like shit because she's skinnier than i am and probably eats more than her. she also likes to make sure i know how fat she thinks she is, even though she likes to go shopping in MY closet so we're probably around the same size(ish). it's all very subversive and fucked up (as are most unspoken competitions about weight loss between girls--especially sisters). but she just drives me nuts sometimes and i just want to scream at her "go away! let me be thin! let me be beautiful for once!"

well that was a fun little vent. and now you know a bit more about me. whether you wanted to or not.

now i'm going to go watch a documentary on obesity. hopefully this will curb my appetite a bit. then on to more yoga later!

chins up, weights down my darlings!

xoxo,
rubes

p.s. if anyone has any suggestions for what they'd like to see on here (thinspo, tips, etc...) please let me know! this blog is as much for you as it is for me!

control the chaos

i've been thinking a lot today about control. it's probably one of the most important part of trying to get thin, right up there with determination and really really good thinspo. and it's always been something i've craved.i'm not always the neatest person, the majority of my clothes seem to subsist on my floor rather than neatly tidied away. but the second something goes wrong, all i want to do is clean. i can't tell you how many times my roommates would come home and find the apartment eerily clean post major fight with the bf. they were glad i'd scrubbed the toilet but would be a little freaked by my almost mechanically cheery "oh i'm totally fine! by the way, i've reorganized the spice rack into reverse alphabetical order! paprika before oregano, girls!" now as i'm stuck at home with little to no job prospects and a plateaued weight, i find myself craving control again. it started with cleaning out the fridge. but now i'm looking aroudn everywhere and seeing things i could be doing. and the more i want to clean, the less anxious i feel. it's an obvious metaphor of course: cleaning the space around me equates to how i want to clean myself of fat and bad choices. how much i wish i could just toss out the jiggly bits around my upper thighs as easily as i throw out expired dairy products (moldy yogurt? definitely an appetite killer). so i'm hoping, the more i can get the chaos that is my life under control, the easier i'll be able to parlay it into a control in my weight. so far today it's been good. only 97 calories consumed. and i'm going out to look for a job so i'll be away from the temptation that is my kitchen. my new mantra is "control the chaos." and i totally will, because it calms me. and i could use some calm right now. so if anyone is feeling a little lost, a little out of control, i suggest cleaning something. clear out a bookcase, go through old photos, hell even just make your bed. a bit of control can go a long way.

chins up, weights down! cheers!
xoxo,
rubes

can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...

i forgot how much i love yoga.

i did not, however, forget how much i hate yoga with my sister.

::insert noise of frustration here::

so i think i've plateaued.

at 113.

3. fucking. pounds.

so what do i do? i can't eat less, i arouse enough suspicion as it is. exercise it is then. swimming seems like a solid plan. it's easy on my knee and i've got the constant inspiration of just looking down and seeing how bad i look in a bikini. brilliance!

so i went birthday shopping with the mother. do you ever have the problem of seeing something on a hanger and having this idea of what it's going to look like on you, then you try it on and you're horribly disappointed? it happens to me a lot. especially at j.crew. j.crew models are pretty much designed for the sole purpose of making me feel like crap-because it's aaaaaaaallllllllllllll about me, yeah? ;)-they're always skinny and so well-dressed (duh because they're modeling). and i never look anything like them in the same clothes. i have like no torso. the reason why all these girls have such long torsos? they got mine. thieving bitches. anyway, i was kind of excited because i actually fit into a size 2. and it like actually fit, not the usual thing where i suck in and i can feel the fabric slowly burrowing so hard into my skin that soon the corduroy skirt will actually become one with my pudge, i mean it actually fit. i could have probably pushed it and bought a size 0 but it was just so lovely and i wanted to savor the moment.

anysweetbabyjeebusthesethreepoundsmustgo, i also got a horizontal striped top. i love stripes. i really do. i don't know why but i think they're so nice and classic but i always get so nervous wearing them because they can go horribly horribly awry quite easily. see that girl up there? stunning in stripes. however, there's always a chance that there may wind up being a case of stuffed sausage syndome (sss, as it will be henceforth referred) going on with me wearing them. sss is a serious condition and it can afflict millions of people each day. one of the major indicators is when you wear a shirt and one can see the indent of your bellybutton. if you or someone you know is suffering from sss, please contact the care center nearest you. cheers.

7 days officially till my birthday. 7 days to lose these three pounds. probably shouldn't have just binged and purged. sigh. brills. you'd think i'd learn by now.

so i'll be looking to all those brilliant blogs for support. if anyone has any recommendations for thinspo, it would be much appreciated. generally i can just google "mary kate olsen" and get some solid stuff but then other times she looks a bit too much like a troll and it get a bit skeered.

okay lovelies, keep those chins up and those weights down!

xoxo,
rubes

easy girl

ok. steady. careful.

i might just be having a good day. usual breakfast. iced tall soy latte. yummy dinner of portobello burger with provolne cheese and spinach in a wrap. and a bit of dried mango.

when i write it all down, it seems like so much. but really it was around 500 calories. leaving me some room for a mug of warm milk and a stella d'oro cookie before bed.

sigh and yet i feel so gross. stupid swimsuit. stupid skinnier sister.

NO! i will be positive, dammit! ok, so...i cleaned out the fridge for my mom. and i don't think anything could gross anyone out more than cleaning out that mildewy fridge. gross city. remind me to do that any time i want to eat anything.

anyone have any tips for other distractions? so far i have:

• whitening my teeth (can't eat anything for at least an hour!)
• looking for thinspo
• shopping for clothes i can never ever afford (polyvore anyone?)
• cleaning my room (usually at last ditch effort)
• baking (but that brings in yummy stuff to eat later...)
• doing my nails
• playing with my dog
• watching tv on hulu

beteedubs, yay for three followers! thanks guys!

stay strong everyone!

xoxo,
rubes

right, ok then

it's sunday! the day of rest. the day of the lord. the day of...um...true blood? i don't know what sunday means for you, but for this girl, it usually means being a bit of a lazy bum. i don't know how much more of one i can be, considering i'm unemployed and just kind of wandering around, but still!

let's see here, i usually like to take stock of where i am as well and then look to the week ahead and make some sort of a plan.

well, i'm PMSing and bloated and water weight-tastic (which every girl wants to be), so i've gone up in weight in a combination of that and pie (a deadly combination, but the pie is nearly gone so...yay!). i should really make more of an effort to keep baked goods out of the house. the problem is, of course, that baking and cooking are like therapy for me. whenever i want to eat, i make something. usually, some reason, by the time i'm done, i don't want to touch it. i don't know if it's like how people who work at starbucks begin to loathe coffee for a while or how when i spent a dreadful summer working at a smoothie place, you could not have paid me enough money to drink one of those horrendous fruit concoctions. anyway, making stuff, especially pies, cookies, cobblers, and cakes, tends to make me not want them at all. unless of course it's one a.m. and i'm depressed. then pie becomes my best friend. and then my mortal enemy twenty minutes later when i'm purging it out.

ok, so, we've got 9 days until my birthday (yay!) and like 7 days until the boyfriend comes in town (yay!yay!) which means we've really only got 7 days to lose the four pounds that have originally been oh so selfishly hanging around (boo!) plus this god awful water weight (double boo and rotten tomatoes!). however. i have a plan! no way i'm going over 800 any day this week. and according to my calorie calculator is approximately half of what i need. if i can stay under (yay!) i'll get myself some sort of a treat in preparation for the boyfriend's arrival. like a new top! or new shoes! or something!

AND my reward if i can get down to 110 will be a new haircut or a facial. But considering that I just had to go to brunch with the family AND i sat across from my super nosy sister who likes to secretly compete with me about EVERYTHING including weight loss (HELLO!! ED NOS OVER HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE!) which means i had to order something which became:

• scrambled egg whites (not too bad)
• cup of fruit (not too bad)
• yogurt with fruit and granola (possible disaster so i tried not to eat much of it)

yes, i could have ordered less but i was also sitting next to my dad, who has this big thing about "getting your money's worth" when you go out to eat so only eating two things off the sides menu would be a complete waste to him and trust me, i already feel shitty about myself so i don't need a lecture about how ungrateful i am.

anyohmygodmythighsarehuge, i'm going to need to keep up a positive spirit this week. and seeing that i now have 2 followers has certainly lifted my spirits. and getting my very first comment also made me feel better. not to mention the two bars of chocolate laxatives i snuck right after brunch. those things are so damn yummy.

well, this was a long rambling post. but it was a post of determination! of plan! of will power! i WILL be like all those other fantastically amazing blog girls! i WILL look like my thinspiration someday! i WILL not eat anything else for the rest of the day just in case! i WILL! and you will too!

xoxo,
rubes

shh

want to know a secret?

i use my period as an excuse to be the person i wish i could be all the time.

a little sullen, a little acerbic, a little depressed, and a bit more forgiving about food.

xoxo,
rubes