Thursday, July 30, 2009

what goes down...

sigh horrible terrible day.

i had started out so well. usual breakfast:
  • 1/2 Thomas 100 calorie english muffin (50 cals) topped with 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
  • 1 cup coffee (0 cals)
and i was all excited to meet up with c for some much-needed retail therapy and even a super yummy iced tall soy latte (90 cals). but then i came home and i was so SO hungry and i thought i'd just have the same as i had for breakfast since i wasn't sure what we were going to do for dinner and on the off chance that i couldn't make it myself and my mom was going to watch me like a hawk, i thought i should be careful. but then next thing i knew, i had eaten some pie, some cobbler, and over half a sleeve of ritz crackers. so i purged. and purged. and god i felt like shit.

so dinner came. yay for being a vegetarian! i got out of barbecue chicken with mom and my sister and just had some sauteed portobello mushrooms (50 cals), green beans (40 cals), corn (40 cals), and half a biscuit (90 cals). but by then i was still feeling so shitty that i just figured today was a bust and binged again on some more pie and a cookie. purge purge purge. then later some special k and a little more (you guessed it) pie. purge purge purge. so now i'm all purged out. my mouth is sore and my throat feels raw. i have to be vigilant tomorrow. i can't go overboard like i did today.

and the funny thing was i had just been thinking yesterday that all this restricting was probably going to lead to a binge soon. maybe i just sabotaged myself.

but i know part of it is PMS. part of it is my dad coming home for a little while (loooong story but the main thing is he doesn't stay at our house much, he usually just stays at an old vacation home we have, but when he comes home he just brings this sad vibe). part of it is just me being so frustrated that i'm FOUR FUCKING POUNDS away from my goal weight.

but, i'm not going to be a total debbie downer. my mom told me how skinny i looked today. i know she probably meant it to be a guilt-trip inducing comment but little does she know, it just spurs me on! AND i got an early birthday gift! yayayayay!

okay, breathe in. breathe out. there's always tomorrow. you can do this. you CAN be thin. you WILL be thin. no more excuses. you fucked up today, but you're not going to be a total fuck up. these pounds will be gone. breathe in. breathe out.

...but what if i can't be thin? what if i'm just doomed to forever be fat? maybe i don't deserve to be beautfiul. i mean, i'm so selfish. i spend so much time and energy thinking about what food i can and can't have, what my next meal can be, when it can be...maybe i'm just supposed to serve as a reverse thinspo to all the lovely girls who CAN have control. i have less than two weeks until my birthday and i really want to be 110. but there will still be pudge to pinch, i know it. and i'll be just so damn depressed.

maybe when i close my eyes and blow out the candles, i can wish for it to melt away. and when i open my eyes, it'll be real. and so will i.


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