what goes down...

sigh horrible terrible day.

i had started out so well. usual breakfast:

• 1/2 Thomas 100 calorie english muffin (50 cals) topped with 1 hard-boiled egg white (17 cals)
  
• 1 cup coffee (0 cals)

and i was all excited to meet up with c for some much-needed retail therapy and even a super yummy iced tall soy latte (90 cals). but then i came home and i was so SO hungry and i thought i'd just have the same as i had for breakfast since i wasn't sure what we were going to do for dinner and on the off chance that i couldn't make it myself and my mom was going to watch me like a hawk, i thought i should be careful. but then next thing i knew, i had eaten some pie, some cobbler, and over half a sleeve of ritz crackers. so i purged. and purged. and god i felt like shit.

so dinner came. yay for being a vegetarian! i got out of barbecue chicken with mom and my sister and just had some sauteed portobello mushrooms (50 cals), green beans (40 cals), corn (40 cals), and half a biscuit (90 cals). but by then i was still feeling so shitty that i just figured today was a bust and binged again on some more pie and a cookie. purge purge purge. then later some special k and a little more (you guessed it) pie. purge purge purge. so now i'm all purged out. my mouth is sore and my throat feels raw. i have to be vigilant tomorrow. i can't go overboard like i did today.

and the funny thing was i had just been thinking yesterday that all this restricting was probably going to lead to a binge soon. maybe i just sabotaged myself.

but i know part of it is PMS. part of it is my dad coming home for a little while (loooong story but the main thing is he doesn't stay at our house much, he usually just stays at an old vacation home we have, but when he comes home he just brings this sad vibe). part of it is just me being so frustrated that i'm FOUR FUCKING POUNDS away from my goal weight.

but, i'm not going to be a total debbie downer. my mom told me how skinny i looked today. i know she probably meant it to be a guilt-trip inducing comment but little does she know, it just spurs me on! AND i got an early birthday gift! yayayayay!

okay, breathe in. breathe out. there's always tomorrow. you can do this. you CAN be thin. you WILL be thin. no more excuses. you fucked up today, but you're not going to be a total fuck up. these pounds will be gone. breathe in. breathe out.

...but what if i can't be thin? what if i'm just doomed to forever be fat? maybe i don't deserve to be beautfiul. i mean, i'm so selfish. i spend so much time and energy thinking about what food i can and can't have, what my next meal can be, when it can be...maybe i'm just supposed to serve as a reverse thinspo to all the lovely girls who CAN have control. i have less than two weeks until my birthday and i really want to be 110. but there will still be pudge to pinch, i know it. and i'll be just so damn depressed.

maybe when i close my eyes and blow out the candles, i can wish for it to melt away. and when i open my eyes, it'll be real. and so will i.

xoxo,
rubes

fuuuuuck

fuck peach cobbler. and peanut butter. and ritz crackers.

tomorrow i MUST be completely disciplined. 600 cals MAX.

fuuuuuuuuuck. fuck. fuck. FUCK!

i have less than two weeks to lose this weight! now is not the time for slacking and laziness!

well, unless i'm napping to avoid eating. then i can be lazy.

but seriously, I NEED TO GET CONTROL

xoxo,
rubes

night owl

ugh nighttime is the worst for me. it's like all the shady underhanded stuff happens at night, all the stuff you don't want to see the light of day, and for me, that's eating.

all i want is some peanut butter but i know i shouldn't because i've already eaten like 600 calories. so i'm whitening my teeth instead! can't eat with these gross strips on my teeth! and i'll be prettier too!

anyone else have really "bad" times? any suggestions for how to get through it?

reading all of these amazing blogs helps, as well as staring at thinspo until my eyes ache. sigh there are so many well-written and hilarious blogs out there. thank goodness for this community!

xoxo,
rubes

dive in

sigh there's no real way to start this thing and not sound like a complete moron, yeah?

i contemplated writing some long drawn out paragraph detailing my sad sob story and letting it degenerate into a page of just complete and utter body bashing.

...perhaps another day...

but as it is, i'm still in bed (cheers to being unemployed) so i've still got the whole day in front of me.

and after last night when i ate a bagel at quarter to 1 a.m., i need to step it up and make sure i actually eat right today. and of course by "eat right" i mean eat as little as fucking possible.

i have two weeks to lose some weight. not just because it's my birthday and i'd like to actually look nice for it, but also because i won't be able to restrict as much when my family is trying to convince me to eat up for the big day. ugh i hate how much i rely on food for my emotions. when you're happy-eat. when you're sad-eat. is there any emotion we don't try to take care of by shoving food down our throats? i've yet to have a major life crisis solved by a bowl of pasta but that certainly doesn't stop me from scarfing one down.

but as i said, i'm still in bed. the day technically doesn't start to me until i've left my room. and today is going to be good, i'm going to be good. i'm going to pull out the dress i wanted to wear on my birthday for inspiration. i'm going to write notes and leave them on my mirrors. i'm going to write one on my wrist so i can see it in the kitchen. the trick is, of course, to not go overboard since my nosy sister will inevitably find some reason she just "has to" go through my things. again. ah family. can't live with them, can't afford to move far as fuck away.

anyway, i'm really inspired by so many of the other awesome blogs out there. i worry of course that my own little journal is completely insignificant in comparison. but who knows? this lovely community seems very supportive and embracing and right now i could use all the support i can get. and i really hope that some of my posts will at least be relatable to someone. after all, we're all in this together, i suppose.

xoxo,
rubes