black holes and revelations

well here it goes.

i didn't get back on track. i did the very opposite. i figured that i couldn't get my mind in the proper state as long as pms as family shit was ruling my brain.

but i'm not using that as an excuse any more. i actually crave the desperate fight against my stomach to not binge. and i'm going to win now.

today it starts. i know i've said it again and again, so this time i know i have to do it right because i can't keep letting everyone down.

i'm going to the gym now. when i get back, i'll read all the blogs i've neglected while in my food coma.

i love you all and if you choose not to support me this time because i've kept letting you down, i understand.

xoxo,

rubes

iamundernodisguise

well, it's 7:00.

and i've done decent today. but now i really want some peanut butter.


things haven't been going that great for me. i won't go into things because it's not really relevant or important to go into specifics but suffice to say, i'm not in the greatest of places mentally and god i want to eat.


i want to let myself indulge. i want to take comfort in some peanut butter and a glass of milk. or milk and cereal.


i want to try to eat my way to feeling better.


and i know it won't work, but dammit i want to try.


maybe i could put off getting on track until tomorrow...


except i've only got 16 days until st. louis. and the scale says i'm 118.5


sigh. 16 days to lose 10 pounds. i guess i have my answer.

rule your appetite, or it will rule you.

well i'm a huge screw-up.


i've been binging and purging every day since i got back from st louis, and now i'm 7 lbs heavier.

117

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck


ok, let's face it. being on track sucks. i'm hungry, i'm constantly trying not to eat, i'm distracted, i'm irritable.


but i have to get back on track. even if i have to lock myself in my room after dinner so i don't binge.


i've got so very little time before st. louis again. this may just be an epic failure. but there's a dress i want to wear and i need to look fantastic for his birthday.


i'm going to go to the gym. i'm going to use the elliptical for 30 minutes. then i will run on the treadmill for 20 minutes. then i will come home and if my mom is gone, i will do a video.


and i will not eat after dinner. seriously. ESPECIALLY not carbs.


this is it. this is new ruby. i am going to do this. just like all you lovely, successful, gorgeous girls out there!


xoxo,
rubes

touch her soft lips and part

so...still not feeling that awesome. and i'm a bit cranky as well, so overall i'm sure i've been less than pleasant to deal with to all today which i feel quite bad about.


i think i'm definitely pms-ing which has me in a bit of a conundrum: do i allow myself some indulgence as this time of the month sucks and i know these cravings aren't going to go away or do i just kick my own ass and try to fight through my cravings?


i've less than three weeks to go until the boyfriend's birthday and i'm up at 115.5 right now. however, i can't help but hope that's just water weight as i don't understand how i could have gained 6 pounds in so short a time, even with my binges.


or maybe i'm just lying to myself. a likely possibility...


so overall, good day today. had some rice cakes after my designated carb cutoff time but they're only 7g of carbs each so i'm going to let it slide.

still so hungry though...ugh...i hate being a girl. except when i buy new shoes. then it's ok haha


much love to all my commenters! seriously, this support is beyond amazing


xoxo,
rubes

excuses excuses

i had a mini-binge. and purge.


i think i'm pms-ing.


getting back on track is hard. or maybe i'm just weak. but tomorrow is a new day.

returning to routine

sigh i hate getting back on track.

i'm sorry, i know i shouldn't say that because i really need to get back in the bootcamp but i have to say, it seems just so much easier to just keep on my current bingebingepurgebingebingebinge lifestyle.

but i know i'll hate the scale and i'll hate myself so i need to go back to the rules and get back to where i was

is it bad that i secretly hope i'll get sick soon? i mean, something like 52% of people in my area are expected to get swine flu this fall/winter. yes it's lazy and unhealthy but man i would love to just get really sick and drop a shit ton of weight in a week because i don't feel up to eating. i never "don't feel up to eating". i'm ALWAYS up to eating, hence my problem. ah well. i've currently got a sore throat from purging last night which has made eating a little uncomfortable today.

unfortunately, it's made me want ice cream. a lot. maybe i can start getting back on track tomorrow...

no. ruby, you must stay strong!

i did hot yoga today, which was great at helping me reset. and i've stayed within the rules today, even though i had some cheese around 4 and i probably shouldn't have had the dairy as late in the day as i did.

overall, i did decent. i've found that i lose more weight if i don't keep an exact count of calories, but i know i've been around 500-600 cals today and considering hot yoga burns around ~700 cals, i'm feeling like maybe i've started atoning for all my food sins.

oh and of course, have i mentioned lately how extremely flattered i am that i have so many new followers? i really am, especially since i'm fairly certain that like eighty percent of my posts are barely coherent. so thank you, all followers (new and old)! you're all so wonderful and inspiring and i couldn't do this without you!

xoxo,

rubes

p.s. this is my 50th post! i should have some ice cream to celebrate...NO! EFF! hahaha

fibbin' ruby

well i lied.

i binged tonight. and i purged.

but you know what, sunday seems like a WAY better day to start over.

new day, new week, and i'm doing hot yoga which will totally get me feeling way better.

yes, this is what i tell myself so that i don't go curl up in a ball and cry for a week.

think i'm being completely bizarre?

but at least i didn't lie about reading blogs and commenting!

xoxo,

rubes

pick yourself up and start over

well i had a lovely time in st louis. didn't catch the boyfriend in a compromising position. had a wonderful wonderful two days with him. siiiigh long distance is awful. but at least he's wonderful.



unfortunately, i made the mistake i always do and let the compliments and comments on my skinniness go to my head. and i slipped.



i've binged the past two nights. but no more


i'm going to be back on track.


i may not be 109.5 any more but i know it's possible, and this simple fact is enough to push me to get back to it.


so back to my rules:

goal date: october 10, 2009
goal weight: 108 lbs
1. no refined carbs past 3 p.m.
2. no eating or liquids past 9 p.m. (except water)
3. at least 1/2 hr on the elliptical. every. day.
4. 800 calories per day MAX. attempt 500 cals per day if possible.

i will regain my discipline. i will reach 108. and most of all, i will maintain it.

xoxo,

rubes

p.s. i promise i'll catch up on everyone's blogs and comment soon. it's so hard to read about everyone else being so good when i've been so bad...

air

today, i woke up after having taken some laxatives last night just to clear myself out (restricting tends to make things a bit...uncomfortable) and hopped on the scale.


109.5


sweet. baby. jeebus.


my lowest weight ever.


i think this might be the best day i've had in a long time.


and of course, i'm already planning how to get to 108 :-)


xoxo,
rubes

a look inside my mind...and tummy...

tummy: i'm really fucking hungry.

brain: shut up. we had dinner. you know the rules. no more for you.

tummy: but there's graham crackers downstairs.

brain: yeah that's just what you need.

tummy: and cinnamon toast crunch. you could love on that with a giant glass of cold milk.

brain: fuck you.

tummy: or what about just bread and butter? you love carbs. you love butter. it's a win-win.

brain: except it's a LOSE-FUCKING-LOSE.

tummy: oh come along, you did hot yoga. you've lost some weight. you took some laxatives. it's all going to shit out anyway, just eaaaaat.

brain: NO! have you seen what you look like? you've lost weight? god you look exactly the same! and that thigh gap is NOT nearly as impressive as it should be. it's like a thigh sliver right now. it's not a gap, it's a crack in the sidewalk.

tummy: but i'm so hungry. stop giving me water. you're getting heavier from that.

brain: yes, i don't like seeing the numbers inch up as i keep drinking water, but it's all going to get peed out.

tummy: you're always doomed to be a fat girl, ruby. you'll never be a thinspo for anyone, except maybe a reverse one. just fucking eat.

brain: no! someday i will be thin! i will not let you rule me! now shut up and take some more water.

tummy: fuck you. ::gurglegurgle::

...oh god is this the sign that i've snapped?

STANDOFF: DAY TWO

well, i didn't binge last night. thanks to Olivia*Obsessed's comment, really. i was feeling sorry for myself and all alone and I thought "if no one in this nice big community has left me a single comment, fuck it i'm eating a box of graham crackers." but lo and behold, there was a comment left for little old me. and she was right! i would have totally felt like shit if i had binged, especially after i'd done a decent job navigating the thai food nightmare (it helps when the restaurant accidentally mucks up your order--gives me an excuse to eat less).

but of course, as i'm sitting in the kitchen, feeling so sick to my stomach because i just chugged two huge glasses of water, my sister comes in. and what does she have?

cinnamon.fucking.toast.fucking.crunch.

now i know she had no idea what was going on in my head. she doesn't have an ED (at least not that i know of though sometimes she shows signs of one) so when her tummy says "i'm hungry and cinnamon toast crunch sounds good." she can go with that. and i honest to god envy her for that sometimes. instead i'm sitting at the computer listening to that almost cartoonish CRUNCH noise of her eating the cereal and wanting to cry. or binge. probably in reverse order, honestly.

but i didn't binge again last night. i knew that i hadn't worked out very long yesterday and i knew that the thai food calorie amounts were dubious at best and that it was just better to be miserable for one night and maintain my weight than miserable tomorrow morning when i hop on the scale.

still staying stead at around 112. hope hot yoga today will help push me towards 111.5 at least. i've been feeling tired and sore since i finished the routine at around 11 and unfortunately, something popped in my hip about ten minutes into class so that has been kind of hurting now too.

but oh well, the things we must suffer for perfection.

i'm super excited to try out my new exercise dvd though! it's the jillian michael's "banish fat, boost metabolism" workout and though i've never seen the biggest loser, i know this chick is hardcore and apparently this dvd is a killer. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

so hopefully, once i've recovered from the overwhelming pain it will undoubtedly cause me, i'll be slim and sexy since it claims you can lose 5 pounds a week (yeah right)

sigh i wish i could say the urge to binge has passed. but it really hasn't. i know this may be whiny and selfish, but again, support would be much appreciated.

xoxo,

rubes

help please

oh my fucking god i want to binge.


seriously, i haven't felt this intense of an urge in a while.


fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck


what do i do??????? i took it semi-easy at the gym today because i thought my muscles deserved a bit of a break.


but now i wish i'd worked out for like 4 hours so that maybe i could justify eating more.


i've already eaten all i should until dinner time since sister dear wants to get thai food.


fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck


please please please let me have the strength not to binge. not when i'm so close to being my lowest weight i've ever been.


shit. i'm so fucking scared right now.


some support would be much appreciated. or else i fear i may dive headfirst into the cinnamon toast crunch with a giant glass of milk.

andante

sweet baby jeebus.

i got on the scale this morning thinking i'd be around the same as yesterday.

112 lbs.

i'm so close to my goal weight, i can taste it. and it tastes like awesome.

i find myself getting oddly excited and looking at myself in the mirror, wondering where the last 2-3 lbs will come from. god i hope it's my hips. or my arms.

however, i'm also scared that i could have a binge day soon. i've been so good for going on three days now, i'm worried i'll be unable to resist the siren song of the cinnamon toast crunch for much longer. urrrrgh why must i know my weaknesses all too well??

parents are still out of town. i still have the house all to myself until sister dear comes home from work. it still rocks. sister dear wants to get thai food tomorrow though so i'm going to have to either REALLY restrict tomorrow or fake a headache and eat only a little bit of something. maybe both?

really sleepy right now. might just have to nap and dream of getting to 109. mmmm sleepy sleep.

xoxo,

rubes

song without words

really good day!

let's hope for another good one tooooooomorrow too!

xoxo,

rubes

beau soir

happy 09/09/09 everyone!

so apparently numerologists believe that the number nine is the number for confession and forgiveness (since it's the last number, you want to get it all out of the way before the end, i guess). so that makes today forgiveness in some weird way. so i know some of you have been pretty damn hard on yourselves about intakes (or outtakes) so to that i say:

forgive yourself.

i'm the queen of not cutting myself any slack. i'm almost impossibly hard on myself (while i tend to give everyone else in the world every single reason to excuse their mistakes). and i could go into what years of therapy have unearthed about this fact, but that's not something anyone else would probably care to hear. frankly, i think of talking about stuff i've learned in therapy as being akin to talking about a weird dream last night. it's only interesting to me and generally it's really fucking boring to everyone else.

so anyway, hello to my five new followers! five in ONE day! if you people aren't careful, i'm going to start thinking you may actually like me...

today was a pretty good day. well, i mean, after i recovered from taking a ton of laxatives and spending a little too much quality time with the porcelain god(dess). went to the gym, came home, mom actually really wanted to do yoga/pilates so i didn't have to sneak in another dvd workout (though i should have done one a little more rigorous). had breakfast. went grocery shopping for the fam. made dinner. my mom had decided on a recipe i suggested but then i realized that it wasn't going to work, so i kind of made up my own recipe. it's always a little nerve-wracking when i do this, but everyone seemed to really like it! and i chopped up some red potatoes, zucchini, and squash, drizzled olive oil and put some salt on them and baked them in the oven and it was REALLY yum! and not bad calorie-wise at all (though i totally avoided the potatoes).

overall, i think i did a decent job. i've decided that i should keep having KIND bars for lunch. i think they stabilize my blood sugar a bit more than just an apple and some cheese do, so i'm letting myself have them, even if they're a bit high in calories. okay, let's do this:

• cantaloupe: 60 cals
• egg white omelet: 45 cals
• KIND bar: 190 cals (mmm cranberry almond yumminess)
• apple: ~70 cals (didn't finish it)
• mushroom burger: 90 cals
• roasted veggies: ~60 cals
• apple: ~70 cals (didn't finish it)

total: ~585 cals

• 30 mins elliptical: 300 cals
• 30 mins treadmill (walking): 110 cals
• yoga/pilates dvd: ~100 cals

total: ~510 cals

total for today: ~75 cals

so not my finest day but good. considering i resisted graham crackers AND peanut butter AND cinnamon toast crunch.

my parents go out of town tomorrow which means i'll have the house to myself ALL DAY until sister dear comes home from work. and i must say i'm really dreading it being just the two of us until monday, but i'm going to try to keep my distance and keep my head up.

so i bought some new pajamas for my trip to see my boyfriend...and they're kind of my thinspiration right now since i want to look HOT

 

i'm very glad they don't show you what it would look like on a model because i'd feel too huge to every buy them since i know i would NEVER look like any of those gorgeous girls.

but aren't they CUTE?? i'm so excited for them. AND i get my hair cut tomorrow. which i totally love but never let myself do because i always feel guilty for spending the money. but honestly, it's such a mood lift to get a great new hair cut. and sometimes it's just nice to get to do something just for me.

time for me to respond to comments (yaaaaay for actually having comments to respond to!)

elle x, i take laxatives usually in the afternoon when i've been binging. they usually start working in the middle of the night or early morning which can be horrendously painful. but inevitably, once i get through it all, i feel better. i definitely DO NOT recommend using them often and i try to avoid them at all costs. they are NOT a good habit, they can be really painful, and can lose their effectiveness fairly quickly.

CA, girlie, your blog is fantastic! and you know, a little indulgence is totally good for you so LOVE that cake, missy!

alright lovelies, like so many other people on these blogs right now, i'm totally obsessing over supersize vs. superskinny on youtube. it's disgusting and yet awesome. so i'm going to go watch it and NOT go eat stuff i want to.

stay strong gorgeouses! and remember, FORGIVE!!

xoxo,

rubes

vocalise

someone had a nothing but purge day yesterday. then took a shit-ton (pardon the pun) of laxatives)

...and is now down two pounds...

more later

clair de lune

i count today as a day well done. after my epic morning workout and subsequent stint in bed, i managed to keep myself fairly well occupied until dinner. and i managed to get out of eating a baked potato (no carbs!) and stuck to a veggie burger and some of the vegetable kebabs i made. and while i'm still currently really craving a tall glass of milk and some ritz crackers, i just brushed my teeth so hopefully my brain (and my stomach) will get the message that it ain't happening tonight.

so i've decided that i'm going to go to st. louis next week to visit my boyfriend. i don't, however, plan upon telling him that i'm coming for a visit. every single romantic comedy i have seen tells me that i will find out he is cheating on me. it's a no-fail strategy. girl decides to surprise guy. girl goes to see guy. girl finds guy in a compromising position (whether it is actually compromising or just a hilarious misunderstanding depends on the guy and plot). girl gets upset and storms out. now, i am not kate hudson/sandra bullock/jennifer aniston/insert name of girl from lots of chick flicks here, so i'm about 99% i will not encounter my boyfriend in the stockroom with his hot female coworker. but still, my teenage self is rattling off names of dozens of movies where this occurs. my twenty-two year old self is currently telling my sixteen-year old self to shut up and go back to reading catcher in the rye and pretending you're a lot deeper than you actually are as you listen to something corporate.

it's a crazy world in my head, i tell you.

anyway, now i'm in bed, getting ready for a brand new day. i have seven days starting tomorrow until i see the boyfriend and i'd really like to have made some progress. i don't know if it's my late-night binges (THREE DAYS IN A FUCKING ROW) or muscle development or what, but i seem to have gained about three pounds, which is highly unsettling. perhaps some maximum strength laxatives will be in my future. no, not perhaps, definitely.

intake:

• egg white omelet: 45 cals
• cantaloupe: 40 cals
• KIND bar: 170 cals
• veggie burger and a half: 135 cals
• grilled vegetables: ~65 cals
• apple: 80 cals

total: ~535 cals

calories burned:

• 1 hr, 5 mins elliptical: 575 cals
• 20 mins treadmill (walking): 75 cals
• yoga dvd: ~90 cals

total: 740 cals

total for today: -205 cals

 

hopefully this will start to make up for my HORRIBLE past three days.

till then, i say goodnight to you all and i hope everyone else had a fantastic day!

xoxo,

rubes

come and open up your folding chair next to me

so like i said i binged again last night. i wound up trying to purge but i saw blood so fast that i got scared and stopped. i don't think i can do that again for a while. i had a whole bunch of nightmares last night and i didn't even fall asleep until around 3 so, needless to say, i didn't get up early this morning. but i did make myself go to the gym, and i was still so mad about purging that i made myself really do a long workout.

it's interesting. i go to this little gym that's part of the country club my parents belong to (yes, i know, country clubs are pretentious and annoying and i could go into how much i don't like it, but let's face it, i'll sound like a whiny brat so i'll just say that i know i'm lucky and blessed that i have parents who can provide for me in such a way and we'll leave it at that). it's got maybe a dozen machines, six ellipticals, six treadmills. oh and two stationery bikes. but it's pretty small and all the machines face these huge one-way windows so you can look out at the pool. and obviously, as today is labor day, EVERYONE was out. and there were all these adorable little kids, and all these parents, but there were these two girls who looked like they were in high school and god i was so jealous. they were turned to the side talking and they were so...flat. i always have this rounding of my lower abdomen and i don't know what to do to get rid of it but they were all so flat! so i made myself really push and not give up. so i wound up being at the gym for almost two hours!

then i came home and of course, sister dear was pissed at me that i went to work out. she barely spoke to me then she bolted out of the room, ran up the stairs, and slammed the door. all i had said was hi and how she was. honestly.

what. the fuck.

so i just was like "alright crazy bitch. you're doing yoga later so you're going to burn a shitton of calories. what do you care if i went to work out?" but of course, it doesn't matter because it's all about her.

so i had some breakfast and i swear, like ten minutes after i finished i thought i was going to puke. the room started moving and i felt like i was carsick or something.i don't know what happened. so i came upstairs and lay down for a little while and my mom kept insisting that it was because i had worked out too long without eating so she made me eat and i decided to have a kind bar because i thought the protein would be good. and now i'm feeling better. unfortunately, i just ate another 170 calories and now i want more. eff.

but tonight we're grilling out for labor day. and grilling is one of the least fatty ways to prepare food so i'm actually cool with this. since i'm vegetarian and the rest of the family (except sister dear) is having steak, i said i'd make grilled veggie kebabs. and of course sister dear will insist upon having the same because she can't stand to let me eat anything low fat without her. ugh.

but whatever. so far today it's been:

• egg white omelet: 45 cals
• cantaloupe: 40 cals
• KIND bar: 170 cals

total: 255 cals

• 1 hr, 5 mins elliptical: 575 cals
• 20 mins treadmill (walking): 75 cals

total: 650 cals

i should probably get out of the house before i give into the craving and go have a green apple with cheese. oh ana, when will you help me? i need to find food less desirable. i need strength.

tonight i'm not binging. i'm going to have peppermint tea after dinner as i think that the taste suppresses my appetite and the warmth makes me feel full.

NO BINGING, RUBES!!

xoxo,

ruuuuuuuuubes

binged again. purged again. saw blood again. eff.

i long for a thigh gap

so it's been a long day. i've been up since six a.m. and i am sleeeeeeeepy. but i must post!

so i think i did pretty well overall today. it was a pretty relaxed day, which can sometimes be a little bit of a challenge to my diet. i mean, if we're all just lying around, i get bored, and when i get bored, i get hungry, and when i get hungry, i can make stupid decisions. i managed to keep myself in line by doing some laundry and watching a movie. so overall, my intake for today was:

• fresh cantaloupe: 40 cals
• 2 egg white omelet with 1 tbsp milk: 45 cals
• 5 grapes: 15 cals
  
• 3/4 granny smith apple: 60 cals
• 2 wedges laughing cow cheese: 70 cals
• 16 blueberries: 15 cals
  
• catfish (i went skimpy on the breading when i made it and baked it and only ate part of it): ~175
• green beans: 30 cals
• 5 grapes: 15 cals

total: 465

and as i said earlier, i did hot yoga today which was fantastic. i might still do another dvd, but it's getting late so we shall see.

• hot yoga: ~780 cals

grand total: -315 cals

so this should help make up for my binge last night. and now i kind of want to let myself have another apple. is that bad? it's better than cinnamon toast crunch, yes, but still, i shouldn't eat since that means i'd be breaking one of my rules. but it wouldn't be carbs...maybe i need to ease myself back into these strict rules. or am i just slacking off again?

god i just want to be skinny. i wish i could just pull it off like play-doh.

xoxo,

rubes