little girl lost

i've lost my self-control


i've ballooned to 116 pounds.


i've been in a binge binge binge purge cycle for so long, i don't feel worthy to even be on here.


everyone else has self control. everyone else is skinny. why can't i stop eating?


i'm not worthy of being in the community. i'm too massive. too doughy. too huge.


fuck.

both sides now

ever have one of those days where you just feel so down that all you want to do is lie in bed all day and not eat to punish yourself for being so crappy?


hello wednesday.


had a huge binge last night because i felt like such shit. my sister started playing nice and the second i went along with it (because i felt bad about the tension in the house and putting my mom in the middle of it) she went right back to the cold shoulder and not speaking to me. so i binged. and purged. and binged. i don't even want to think about how much i ate. took six maximum strength laxatives. yeah, can't take any of those for a while...


my scale is being wonky and adding or taking off two pounds every time i step on. can't even accurately assess the damage.


i don't want to go to the gym. i don't want to get out of bed. i want to just leave this house. i don't want to be here any more.


i hope everyone else is staying on track. i hope everyone else is feeling better about themselves today than i am. i hope everyone else can see how spectacular they are and how wonderful and beautiful they are. because all of you are. and i'm just not good enough.


xoxo,
rubes

EDIT: finally got the scale to calm down. 110. god bless laxatives. it scares me how much better i feel now that i know my weight for the day and can plan accordingly. sigh, i'm sorry about the crappy posts, guys. my hormones make my emotions (and my ED) get the best of me. i promise, once this bitch is gone and i can get control over my craziness, i'll be better :P